http://basketcase.blog.co.uk/en-EUMokoFeed10http://basketcase.blog.co.uk/http://data5.blog.de/design/preview/8e/81a9b9466a7b31c87bc9d7442dde21_160x200.jpghttp://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2008/04/22/warning-drunken-ramble-4081389/tag:basketcase.blog.co.uk,2008-04-22:/2008/04/22/warning-drunken-ramble-4081389/Tue, 22 Apr 2008 23:23:18 +0200 <p>Good evening. I am unfortunately rather drunk! And I am crying. I am tired of being sober and conscious. Thinking is just too hard to do (quote from 28 days, not original I’m afraid). I have had enough of everything. Nothing lasts. I cry at night, most nights because I am deeply lonely and flawed. Today I gave an important talk – to my fellow theologians. 20% of my final mark rested on giving an impressive evaluation of a bible passage. It was nothing really. I just evaluated it, looked it up and formed a coherent talk. I was proud of the fact I did it on time and in the correct situation. But in actual fact, I have now crashed and that rare achievement of getting something right is out-weighed by the reality that I am alone and will always be so. Borderline patients do get better over time or with the right therapeutic interventions. The statistics confirm this. But I think the truth lies in the life circumstance of the person. If I could meet the right person and have someone love me enough, then of course. I would get better.</p> <p>Thus, I am doomed. Nothing is good enough. No one will ever choose to love me and that is what drives me to destruction. My family have supported me so much and they are so kind. I love them more than anything else. I feel so guilty that even the smallest victory, like today, is clouded over by sadness and this crashing feeling of being deeply unhappy. I cannot achieve what I want. And nothing else is good enough. When is second best what your heart’s desire? I do not want the earth; I just want to make a difference in other peoples lives. To be useful and helpful rather than a drain and an eternal pain in the arse. </p> <p>I have four essays to do. I have a fair amount of time and it is not impossible to do. But I am not sure I care all the time to make to deadlines. I can do it. I should do it. And on my good days, I can see me in my graduation gown, with my mortar board hat on, walking calmly along the stage as I receive my degree. But I also see me plunging off the local mutli-storey car park, still dressed in my graduation gear and putting an end to this nightmare. I want to graduate and die. I cannot be in this world. People are too cruel, life moves too fast and society is nothing that I can see myself being part of. People are evil, they make money out of misery, they hurt and are so selfish that humane acts of altruism are questioned as not being possible, there has to be another agenda, that of personal gain. I only need enough money to live on, a person that cares about me and a job I believe in. Is that so bad? I live on benefits, in a flat that I have not chosen for myself and I am falling apart because my so-called care team have not seen me in 5 weeks. A hurt me, I mean really hurt me. But I let him. I did not fight and I ignored every warning. It is not until now that realise how hurt I feel. It’s like I am 15 all over again except there are no answers. I was pregnant then but I am not now. I thought I was but I am not. I have failed at even that, the only chance of making something good out of a horrible situation. If only A have made me pregnant then the whole thing would have been worthwhile But there is no meaning. He is fine, probably drunk or stoned as usual. I feel hurt but I shouldn’t. I was in a relationship with him so what was it about that night that hurt me so much? I cannot define that line which he crossed and in my thoughts, I see him and the bloke who hurt me when I was 15, merging into one. I wake scared, with no real reason for being so frightened. I cut and I hurt but that is not enough. I feel sorry for myself and then hate myself for being so weak. My pathetic utterings and mumblings are nothing. I want to write, to get it out but nothing does take it away. So I get drunk, even too drunk to type (thank goodness for spell-check!), I buy things I do not need or want. I confide in good friends but only the bit of truth they can handle, not the full unvarnished horrible reality. And cry myself to sleep thinking of things I wish I could block out. I am so sorry. I wish I could be the good person everyone wants rather than the fuck-up I actually am. I cannot be this person. But how can I escape? Pass me the vodka, please …</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2008/04/22/warning-drunken-ramble-4081389/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2008/04/22/warning-drunken-ramble-4081389/#commentshttp://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2008/04/08/a-quiet-afternoon-4016077/tag:basketcase.blog.co.uk,2008-04-08:/2008/04/08/a-quiet-afternoon-4016077/Tue, 08 Apr 2008 14:52:43 +0200 <p>The spring holidays are upon us and I am very glad to have some time to catch up with things. Everything has got a bit out of control I terms of the flat, laundry, rubbish etc. I went home on Friday and just broke down in front of my parents so they came back with me on Saturday. I know that when I need help, I am not that great at asking but I felt so guilty for not keeping up the ‘everything is fine’ façade. Anyway, the flat is much better and just one days’ hard graft got it back to looking ok. My parents have been very kind but I know I am disappointing them. When I broke my ankle, they had to sort out my previous flat and thus found all my self harm stuff and cannabis stash. We needed a session with my psychologist to sort it all out! But all is well again and I guess that is all that matters.</p> <p>I have been staying with another ex-unit person as well. She is doing ok but was facing a hard day so we got together and had a DVD night. It was so nice to talk and know that the other really understood. I think the other people I was in London with are my true friends and I want so much to keep in contact with them. They are like a family but one where I don’t have to pretend. I am so scared that we will lose touch or the others will want to move on and forget me. The loneliness that I feel is there even when I am with my other friends but with them, I feel accepted and safe. However, I know that part of my condition is forming intense relationships that never last and that scares me when I really care.</p> <p>I should be doing lots more uni work but I just need some time to think about things. The tarot card reading went very well and I am now trying to write a book because that was the advice that the cards gave. I think that some of the things that came up were a bit wrong but it is my choice about all of it; the cards only guide. I am a bit worried about a possible ‘blip’ in a month or so. I usually have issues around my birthday so perhaps that is all that the ‘blip’ will be. But the book idea has been suggested by lots of people and I just feel that slowly I can piece together my past and use it to move on. The tarot reader said that the book might even help people – that would be so worth it. I do realise that as a Christian I should not be using such things but the tarot cards do not invalidate my faith in God, the reading just helped me focus on better things (other than being bonkers!)</p> <p>The recent events are still affecting me and I did self harm last night. It was not so bad and the staff were fine. I harmed because I could not calm down. I was jumpy and all over the place, the cut was the least harm I could do. I feel so scared at times, angry at others and such self-hatred for getting myself into this that I get really confused. I have not had therapy or counselling this week and although I know I am over-thinking things and over-therapised but the space to think out loud would be very useful. I hope that the chance to have the sexual assault counselling will be allowed, my psychiatrist has to confirm that I can handle it before the centre will schedule any appointments. It is very frustrating; I wish I could make the decision myself but my behaviour has forced people to make decisions for me so it is, once again, my fault.</p> <p>Right, back to Diagnosis Murder I suppose. I just love the ‘drama’, its like chewing gum for the brain!!! (and thus just what I need … LOL)</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2008/04/08/a-quiet-afternoon-4016077/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2008/04/08/a-quiet-afternoon-4016077/#commentshttp://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2008/03/29/calmer-now-3963464/tag:basketcase.blog.co.uk,2008-03-29:/2008/03/29/calmer-now-3963464/Sat, 29 Mar 2008 18:56:04 +0100 <p>Since my last post, things have changed a bit.<br> I was admitted to the acute psychiatric ward for a week and had some very valuable time out to rest and to think. I made some important decisions and hope that now I am at home again, I can slowly sort my life out, bit by bit. The crisis team and my psychiatrist decided that I was safer in the ward for a week and I am grateful that they finally listened to me. I didn’t want to go in but now I am back, I can see that I was so out of control with my thoughts, feelings and behaviour that I needed to take time out. I am no longer classed as psychotic – whether that is the drugs or just being a bit calmer, I am unsure. The most important thing has been quite accidental. I had to go to the sexual health clinic to be treated for my caustic soda burn. It turns out that I had an infection and I was given antibiotics. Whilst the staff were professional, they were shocked and referred me to a counsellor. I didn’t realise that it was that easy to help. The counsellor was part of the local rape crisis team and was very kind. In my own time, I was honest about what happened. She listened and did not judge, something that I was crying out for. I realised that I was more than assaulted and that she would see me for a fixed number of sessions to help me work this through. She treated me like a person, not a mental health patient, which was just what I needed. All the so-called help I got from the crisis team and mental health services saw me as a borderline in crisis not seeing the whole picture including what had happened. So, I took the time in the ward to think about having this help and moving on. I still very much want to graduate and change my life. I was at the point of suicide and I couldn’t do it. I think it was more than just being a coward, although I am not in any way brave, it was more that I do not want to die, just yet. I love my family very much and I couldn’t end it without trying to fix things first. That was probably the most positive thing I have done recently, although again, I didn’t realise it at the time.<br> With this in mind, I have tried other ways of making things better. I have an interview this week at a pet rescue centre to be a volunteer. I think if I try to do something good for other people (or animals!) then I might be able to make a difference. It might give me something to keep going for – even though that at the moment I feel very tired and miserable. I have also booked a haircut and a Tarot card reading. I know that as a Christian, Tarot cards are inviting possible bad forces to work in my life but I just want another perspective about what I want to do with my life. The reader said that all she does is use what is already there to advise; not to predict the future or impose ideas that might be harmful. My mother has found it very helpful in the past, so it's time to try something different.<br> I am still scared, I still have difficult thoughts, I still self harm and I still feel very down … but I am a bit more in control and hopefully, that will be enough for now. The people involved in my care are going to meet to discuss what to do next and I am grateful for their care, but right now, I think I can do more for myself. I do not need a CPN who refuses to see me when I really needed her, I do not need to be in an institution and I do not need heavy, sedating drugs all the time. I choose to try and be more than just a victim of her own hand … I just hope that trying wont hurt more than giving up. Sadness doesn’t go away, I have cried more than I have done in ages this week but you can’t stay sad and self-pitying forever.<br> (Thank you for reading this, it means a lot that people I don't really know are kind enough to help and advise me)</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2008/03/29/calmer-now-3963464/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2008/03/29/calmer-now-3963464/#commentshttp://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2008/03/18/crisis-what-crisis-3902335/tag:basketcase.blog.co.uk,2008-03-18:/2008/03/18/crisis-what-crisis-3902335/Tue, 18 Mar 2008 22:37:35 +0100 <p>I do not know what to say or write. I am currently under the care of my CMHT crisis team. I don’t know exactly what they are supposed to do but I have had their help for a week and I am not feeling very ‘helped’. I have been stuck on a new drug which is an anti-psychotic. They are horrible drugs and I do not feel any benefit (yet?). I know these things take time but I am beyond what I can cope with. I have harmed myself a lot including a caustic soda burn - which is really different from what I usually do. My psychologist says I am becoming psychotic and am losing touch with reality. I just know I feel very anxious and not myself. I was meant to help out with a uni mental health day but I couldn’t face it – yet I am still managing to attend lectures. I know it is very near the end of term and I am worried about the deadlines approaching rapidly. But the kick off for this lies with what happened a few weeks ago. I was assaulted and I thought I had dealt with it. But I am so scared all the time and the whole psychosis thing indicates that I have not dealt with it at all. I don’t really know what I am so scared of. The crisis team are just seeing me for an hour each day and are so patronising that I feel terribly humiliated. I know how to plan distractions and all that arse. It is just a stop-gap … a tick in the box of concerned care when actually I feel more alone than ever. I have such problems sleeping – again, I wake up terrified but with no idea what is so scary. I don’t know what to do for the best. I have a review tomorrow with the whole team (I say that in the loosest sense as CPN from hell is refusing to see me (too busy and I have the crisis team – apparently), care co-ordinator is on leave AGAIN and psychologist never comes to meetings) But to get that, I had to ask for admission. That in itself is a difficult issue. I don’t really want to end up in acute but I do not want to feel like this either. I don’t know what else can help and I think it was somewhat of an empty request really. I have this new drug but the doctor prescribing it did not actually see me, he just did it and left the script for me to collect. I do not think that is sensible or fair. I do not like my consultant. He seems very happy to hand over my care to anyone else who can do it instead of seeing me himself so I do not know how he can tell what is going on with me. The nurses give their opinion and he reacts accordingly. But these nurses do not know me. I have been under their care before but you don’t really have any therapeutic involvement – they do not ask why or what are the deeper issues of what is going on. It’s just what are you feeling (in one sentence) and what are you going to do about it. I don’t think they can know what is truly going on with me. I am so confused and tired … I cannot trust anything or anyone and I have had enough. If that is admission criteria, fine but I don’t think a ward is the right place necessarily. It too is a stop-gap …so what else is there? And more importantly, what is going to really help and make the difference? I have tried seeing my parents and I couldn’t tell them what was bothering me – I just pretended I was fine. I have also tried my friends. I had a nice time with them in Brighton but then I had to come home and the anxiety just started up again.<br> I know I am whinging and going on, I am sorry but only here can I voice the truth. I cannot talk to the crisis team, I just tell them what they want to hear. And I saw my best friend today, my closest friend from years ago and although I loved seeing her, I felt this huge sense of change. She has a 2 year old child and another one on the way, I am cycling back into trouble yet again. May be I am in such a downer that every good thing feels sad and empty …</p> <p>The only good bit is the fact that one of my favourite books is going to be on TV – Poppy Shakespeare. That is a truly classic book and for the record, I am definitely a dribbler not a flop!!! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2008/03/18/crisis-what-crisis-3902335/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2008/03/18/crisis-what-crisis-3902335/#commentshttp://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2008/03/07/what-happenned-to-february-3828058/tag:basketcase.blog.co.uk,2008-03-06:/2008/03/07/what-happenned-to-february-3828058/Fri, 07 Mar 2008 00:48:58 +0100 <p>Evening All!</p> <p>The last week or so has not been one of my finest. I have been very busy and most of that is to do with good and positive things but there are few downers as per usual.</p> <p>The good stuff is that for my first 2 pieces of university work for this academic year have come back with good marks and comments from my lecturers. Even the Old Testament Studies lecturer has been surprised that I have managed to do anything because in the past I have not done so well in his lectures and often had to drop his modules when I was too unwell to continue. I think I have proved that I can do the work and that I made the right decision to return to uni. I am trying very hard to find a way to get through to the class and talk more in lectures and break times. I had to do a presentation last night and I was so scared, I had an upset tummy all day but I did it and to my surprise the class applauded me twice. I am trying to gain confidence from all this and be more focused on what I am doing. I have been thinking very seriously about the future but I think that for now, I just have to look to graduating and then think of what to do next. Sometimes I have found that the universe does provide answers when you don’t expect them although my mother has recently visited a tarot card reader for advice and she said that the woman really knew her stuff so I am planning to go, as soon as possible.</p> <p>I also managed to buy some very nice clothes again but this time I went shopping with m y housing support worker who is much easier to shop with than my mother! I did not realise that New Look now has a lard-arse range and I actually fit in their stuff. It is so nice to shop somewhere other than Evans (the Hefty-hide away – the UK version of the shop in hairspray!!!). I like what I have chosen and I hope that it will make me feel more comfortable in my own skin. That sounds like a load of arse but I frequently just wear what will cover up my scars and fat rather than what I’d actually like to wear. My mum calls it camouflage- dressing not to cause offence or draw attention to myself. But these clothes are a bit nice than my usual stuff – I take student grunge to a new level most days – so 2 nice shirts and a pair of linen trousers are a bit of a break for me!</p> <p>Plus, I am very excited about this weekend – I am going away to London to see my favourite band, the Levellers, in concert at the Brixton Academy. The gig should be huge as it is their 20th anniversary year. I cannot wait as I have now booked a hotel room so I can stay the night and not miss part of the gig to get the last train home. I love seeing them play, it is the only time I get to be myself as most people expect weirdness at their gigs and their politics and outlook is so my true style that I can be whoever I want to be when I go and see them. Their music is amazing and played with such conviction that I live for these gigs – I have seen them over 15 times in all sorts of places and I just love it. I told my psychologist about how I feel and she said it was nice that I could tell her a bit more about me and the positive stuff I live for – although it wasn’t strictly therapeutic in the straightforward sense. I had a useful session with her and I managed to get to the true feelings of grief and sadness that I usually try to avoid by arguing and stuff. I even cried, which is not my style in sessions.</p> <p>But … despite all these positives and behind it all is the truth … I have self harmed to extent that I have over 40 stitches in me at the moment. To keep going and face everything, I have to cut – deeply. Each time I cut, I still face the same lottery of treatment and feel such guilt that I cannot see how, in any rational sense, this actually helps. But it does. I can only function at the level I want to if I can cut. Mother’s day set me off – my parents could not be bothered to phone me and I had to not phone them because my sister was home and I couldn’t face speaking to her if she answered it. We have not seen each other for nearly a year now and it makes me very sad. I have to back off and leave her be but I miss her so much. Plus it was on mother’s day a few years ago that I cut so badly I needed to be resuscitated. I still think about that moment a lot – I had a chance to die and I couldn’t – something inside of me wanted to live. And I just do not understand that at all. I should be pleased to be alive and glad that I had that self-survivor thing but I instead angry and bewildered as to why I have been kept alive. It is very hard to explain and I don’t really know how to put it, but on Buffy, when Willow raises her from the dead, she had a feeling that she’d left something of herself behind … that she wasn’t meant to be. And I think that is how I feel (although I did not sleep with a vampire to get over it!)</p> <p>Anyway, I am just hanging on to the thoughts of the gig and the fact I can do the uni work I have to do. If it means I still cut, then that is just the way it is. At least then I can still function – and it is happening less than before I went to the CRU.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2008/03/07/what-happenned-to-february-3828058/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2008/03/07/what-happenned-to-february-3828058/#commentshttp://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2008/02/25/waiting_around~3775995/tag:basketcase.blog.co.uk,2008-02-25:/2008/02/25/waiting_around~3775995/Mon, 25 Feb 2008 01:35:00 +0100 <p>I am currently waiting for an emergency plumber for the 4th time since I moved into this flat (Nov 07) The toilet continually blocks and I am now getting very tired of having the same people come out, fix it for now, but do nothing for the underlying issues (ie. The toilet is pants and needs replacing) Grrr. At least the repairs are free as an emergency plumber at this time of night would not come cheap. Thankfully, it is covered as part of my tenancy.</p> <p>Aside from the momentary inconvenience, I am not in the best of moods. I have just spent half term lazing around and doing as little as possible – a few trips to hospital etc but other than that, a quiet time all round. I have been thinking about a lot of things. The biggest problem is this bloke I have been ‘seeing’. I know, I really know he is such a bad person for me to be around. I hate going there. I hate what we do but I need it. I don’t really understand why – I think that he lets me feel less alone and useless. I know that is no real excuse but I am terribly lonely. I thought that uni would provide a way of being around people more but I feel so alone there. I don’t mix with my groups because I feel that I have nothing of value to say. I am very tired of having to try so very hard when I feel like I am getting nowhere. I don’t want to go back tomorrow. I quite like being at home with nothing much to do but I know I will get bored and it is an income, student loads make my life much more bearable.</p> <p>Other than that, life just goes on. I have self harmed again but not too badly and I am now off the crisis team intervention. I found them quite useful in the end. And I think that if I get bad again in the future, they are a good team to try and avoid the acute inpatient unit.</p> <p>My head is full of the London unit. This time last year I was freaking out about going there. I was so scared of what it would be like and I so desperately hoped they would cure me … I miss the staff and other residents so much. Talking to a few other ex-res, they say it takes time but they miss some of it too. But I seriously want to have another full admission. I don’t think the unit would ever take me again, they never have before. I tell my psychologist this and she is trying to find ways to replicate the principles of the unit here in Chichester. It is not enough though. This awful sense of loneliness scares me. If I died, no one would find me for days. How can life have come to this?</p> <p>Sorry.</p> <p>++++news just in: toilet is fixed … Yeah!!!!++++</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2008/02/25/waiting_around~3775995/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2008/02/25/waiting_around~3775995/#commentshttp://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2008/02/13/struggling_a_bit~3719616/tag:basketcase.blog.co.uk,2008-02-12:/2008/02/13/struggling_a_bit~3719616/Wed, 13 Feb 2008 00:45:52 +0100 <p>I am glad to get back into this blog – it is such a useful way of sorting out how I am feeling and what is going on for me at the moment.</p> <p>Life has been particularly turbulent. I am currently under the care of the community mental health team crisis resolution team – a big long title for what used to be called the home treatment team. There are a group of nurses that can look after you at home via the 24 hour phone service and home visits. They generally help you stay out of hospital and can be there for about 2 weeks. Before going to London, I never used to use the service because I thought it was a cheap stop-gap and a way of keeping me out of the acute unit when that is the only place that really helped – but I decided to accept their offer of cover because I have been on a real downer this past week or so and I really couldn’t face being on my own with it – but I didn’t want to get so bad that I needed admission. A bit of a different approach which seems to have helped and I am certainly no longer in so much distress that I need the acute unit. After the Christmas and New Year admission, I have resolved to not go there again if I can help it. </p> <p>The whole bad patch started last week when I self harmed and ended up going to another hospital for treatment because St. Richard’s were so evil. I knew that my behaviour was out of line and that I was heading for trouble. This time of year is very hard for me as it is the anniversary of being raped and getting pregnant. I was only 15 and I never told anyone until I went to London – I didn’t even acknowledge the truth of what had happened – I told myself that it was my fault and although I felt a great deal of pain and sadness, I thought that what had happened was to be a secret forever. But now I have begun to speak about it, I need more help to deal with it. I still have horrendous flashbacks and intrusive thoughts, as well as other problems with men – so I asked my psychologist what to do but she says I am not ready to have therapy about it because I get so upset and have a crisis every time something even remotely difficult comes up. I need to learn life skills first. So, I dealt with the first difficult day last Tuesday by self harming quite badly – another 18 stitches. A&E were very kind though, they helped me see the psych. Nurse on call and get a referral to the home treatment team for more support. The nurses who came to see me were very practical and they helped me plan stuff to do to keep me busy and avoid any further harm. I then saw my psychologist – it was a very hard session and at the end she said she did not know how to help me so she was taking me to supervision. I know that most psych staff do have a supervisor of some sort and they are neutral mentors who help think further about their patients and give guidance etc. But I am terrified that I have not been a good patient and that she is going to not see me anymore. I know I am difficult to work with and I push people but I like my psychologist and I trust her more any other psychologist I have ever had (5 in total). I want to keep working with her. Tomorrow I see her again and I am so scared it will be the end of our work. I got through the rest of the week by using the help from the team. I tried to remain at uni and attend classes – I only bunked off one and feel asleep in another because I’d been at A&E all night and I was just so tired. But by Sunday, I was exhausted and I couldn’t fight the urge to self harm any ore, I had to do it. So now I have 3 wounds that needed 56 stitches in total. It is not good. I am very depressed and tired. My arms hurt so much and I just cannot get any rest. The bloke I am ‘seeing’ hasn’t helped. He did a lot of cocaine at the weekend and was ‘on one’ last night which kind of added to it. I have to say the on call nurses have been very patient with me – and at least I am at home.</p> <p>University is ok – I am behind on a piece of work and having a few issues. The nurses suggested I contact the college mental health advisor for some extra help to catch up which I will do on Thursday – once I have got through tomorrow.<br> I have lied to my parents and said that I am doing fine. I cannot bear to upset them again although when I saw mum the other day for lunch, she commented on my arm and hinted that she could see that I am saying one thing and doing another. I said it was from ages ago. </p> <p>The only good thing is that I have managed to see someone from the unit. She left before me but we had about 3 months of time together. I like her a lot so I really appreciated her meeting up with me. We went to the Tate Modern – a bit of culture for a change. As we talked, I had planned to be honest with her but I found that she was struggling a bit also and I couldn’t tell her the truth – but I still liked seeing her and I realise that the unit in London is just the start of sorting things out. She is having trauma therapy and says it is horrible but helpful – I hope that I can try that soon. She said that may be it is time to try a new therapist and that more boundaries in the work with someone like that is often more helpful in making progress. I’ve been drifting in therapy, never staying too long on a topic and not having a plan. Perhaps it is time for a change? I don’t know … the thought of another therapist and possible waiting list time is very daunting. </p> <p>Half term next week or ‘student directed learning’ week as we are supposed to call it! Yeah! Time to go shopping … oh and may be an essay or 2!!!!!!</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2008/02/13/struggling_a_bit~3719616/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2008/02/13/struggling_a_bit~3719616/#commentshttp://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2008/02/04/back_again~3680455/tag:basketcase.blog.co.uk,2008-02-04:/2008/02/04/back_again~3680455/Mon, 04 Feb 2008 23:41:32 +0100 <p>I have not blogged for the longest time since this blog started. This has been because since my lat entry, life has become so very hectic that I have not had time and I developed a bit of an irrational fear that every time I turned the computer on, people were watching me and expecting things of me. Very strange but 2 weeks in the acute psychiatric ward sorted that out.</p> <p>I am now settled in the new flat. It is ok most of the time and I certainly like being on the ground floor. I can now do shopping and taking the rubbish out without assistance which makes my life a lot easier. The only downside (and it is a small one) is that I only have 4 TV channels. There is no freeview or cable and sky dishes are forbidden. I miss the variety of TV on freeview but I have a lot of videos and DVDs to occupy me. </p> <p>I am back at university now. I have gone back to a new class and to subjects I am not very good at, but at least I am back. I feel very isolated there; all my friends have already graduated. I am trying to get to know the new people I meet but they remain very clique-y – I have a lot of trouble at break times and it m=reminds me of school. But on the whole, I am so busy with set reading and research that I am much happier back there than I would be if I dropped out altogether. </p> <p>I am struggling with issues from the past that seem to have got more immediate since I did all the therapy up in London. It was like a cooking pot had been stirred and all the stuff stuck to the bottom is now nearer the surface. My psychology sessions continue but I do not feel that much progress is being made. I cannot do any of the trauma work that I need to in order to deal with all these stirred up memories because taking about it increases my self harm and flashbacks, so I supposed to be getting that under more control first, but the memories plague me all the time. Dreams, flashbacks, intrusive thoughts and anniversary days are all very hard to deal with but I cannot bring them to therapy because my psychologist days I am not ready. I really do not understand. I was ready in London but not here? I guess that in the unit, I had 24 care and support so the nasty stuff could be faced knowing that I would be safe. But I can’t help but feel that the progress I made there is not good enough and that life should be better than it is. I miss the unit so much. I still think about the staff and residents a great deal and wish I could be back there for longer. Ironic really considering how much it did my head in whilst I was there!!! I am still very angry with myself for not having been able to cease self harming. I cut myself last week and was treated like shite again by the hospital. I have reduced the frequency of the episodes but the cuts are still deep and difficult to stitch. I needed 22 stitches last time and that is about average. I am resorting to various methods of self harm that cause a lot of damage to my body including cannabis use and sex with a bloke that cares nothing for me.</p> <p>When I think back to a year ago, I know that in many ways I am doing so much better. I am very lucky to have had such an experience in London and I do not regret the decision to go there. But I had a lot of hope then and that is slowly fading. I fear being stuck like this for a long time. Just existing and trying so hard to complete a basic course whilst keeping the flat going and life ticking over. I feel very alone and it wont go away. Sorry.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2008/02/04/back_again~3680455/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2008/02/04/back_again~3680455/#commentshttp://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2007/11/27/decision_made~3358815/tag:basketcase.blog.co.uk,2007-11-27:/2007/11/27/decision_made~3358815/Tue, 27 Nov 2007 11:55:46 +0100 <p>Much change since I last posted here; let me explain …</p> <p>Well, first and foremost is that I decided to accept the offer of the flat and I move this Friday (30th Nov). I know that ground floor will make my life easier and I could do with a new start. Although its location sucks but it is still within reach of all the usual services (hospital, GP and college). I went there this morning to get the painter started and am going back to clean later on. I was very fortunate to find a painter at such sort notice but he is from church and someone I am doing the alpha course with. I think that was God moving in my life and certainly helped me feel like I made the right decision in moving. It is highly stressful and I haven’t slept properly since my last post. I have been frequenting A&E a fair amount as well, but being stressed over moving is a normal thing, I just don’t have the greatest coping skills. I am missing the weekly group at the unit this week but I aim to be back next week once the move has happened. I must admit there is another positive thing; I am getting a chance to sort out all my junk and I am determined to only move the stuff I want rather than the accumulated crap that has been piling up for years. Going through it all has been a bit difficult as old letters and diaries bring up a lot of memories etc but I think less rubbish will be better for me in the long run. I have also had to be more organised and focused which has got me out of bed and doing things which is another good thing. My parents are being excellent and helping me a great deal. There have been a few heated exchanges, particularly in Homebase over paint colours but I think Homebase is somewhere that everyone argues (I saw a number of people in a similar situation!!!). Despite all my worries and misgivings about it all, so far things have worked out quite well. But the next few days are going to be quite tiring and stressful. I tried to ask my GP for diazepam but she was not having any of it! I don’t blame her really, this is a normal thing to do and if I have too many drugs flying around my brain, I might forget something important.</p> <p>My relationship with A is something I am giving a lot of thought to. I have been seeing him more this week because he is upset that I am moving and worried I will du p him as a result. But it is not much of a relationship and I think it is more a harm than a good. Saying that, I still go and see him and it is does fulfil me in a way I do not fully understand. Various professionals think that I am using him to self harm. At the unit I had to report each time I slept with him as self harm and I can see their point but I do not want to hurt him as I know he wants a lot more from the relationship than I do but genuinely seems to like seeing me.. I am worried that I am using him but he does get something out of seeing me too, I think. It’s all very complicated. I will see how I feel when I have moved and decide then as to whether this ends or not. </p> <p>Therapy has changed a lot recently, my psychologist really got to me yesterday, she says I have borderline personality type behaviour but really I do not have the full personality that goes with it – it’s like I have taken on borderline as an identity and I am actually just someone who has depression, self harms and had PTSD. I had wondered for a while as to whether I am a true borderline as I have never been in trouble with the police and I have not been held on a long section. But to hear her say this has thrown me quite a lot. If I am not a borderline, then who am i? Sounds incredibly trite and melodramatic but if I think about it properly, then I do freak out because I have no real idea of who I am and what I am going to do with my life. I have had so many different career ideas and none of them have really stuck. I am doing theology as a bit of a ‘it will do’ course rather than a true passion. For so long, with my asthma, I never thought I’d have a very long life so I didn’t really give it any deep thought. I was scared to hope and got so depressed that I couldn’t see anything beyond being 30. But I now feel quite indestructible – I have lived through so many arrests and resuscitations that I am a lot stronger than I realise. It doesn’t make me happy though, I am not exactly pleased to be alive and I am really cross in many ways, but the fact of the matter is that despite wanting to die and not wanting any sort of a life, I am alive and so I must think of what I am going to do with it. May be that way I will find a way to keep going rather than this half life always in crisis and being such a nightmare to be around. I am too cowardly to complete suicide, so there must be at least a little bit of me that wants to live. This is quite a step away from my usual thinking – I am far more likely to whinge on and on rather than be honest and face the fact that I have to do something. I do truly want to make a difference to the world and be a useful member of society – I am not sure how though. </p> <p>So things have moved on and the unit has helped a lot in that, but so has my psychologist – she is a brave person to confront me on this, I can be so fierce sometimes. I am lucky to have so many people care for me and I just wish I was worth it. </p> <p>Right, time to return AGAIN to Homebase and get yet more bloody paint (I think I should get a loyalty card because at this rate, I’ll own the place in no time !!!)</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2007/11/27/decision_made~3358815/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2007/11/27/decision_made~3358815/#commentshttp://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2007/11/15/moving_news~3299007/tag:basketcase.blog.co.uk,2007-11-15:/2007/11/15/moving_news~3299007/Thu, 15 Nov 2007 08:36:43 +0100 <p>Good morning!</p> <p>It is before 7am and I never usually get up this early except for church. I cannot sleep, which is fairly unusual for me. I have heavy doses of sleeping meds that usually knock me out really well but I am deeply unsettled at the moment.</p> <p>Let me explain; I am having to move. To give a brief history to this, I have to return to 1998 when I originally moved to Chichester. I was in students halls as a first year at uni. I moved into a shared house in 1999, as a normal student would but then it all fell apart. I took a massive OD and then my housemates did not want me in their house anymore. Understandable really. I left uni and was housed in Chichester by a youth housing organisation called The Foyer. It was like en-suite uni halls but with 24-7 youth workers. After 3 and a half years there, I got thrown out for self harming (I wreaked 3 carpets and nearly died on 2 occasions). Again, understandable. So then I spent a year homeless in a hostel – which was pure hell and my harming was out of control. I was finally offered this flat in 2004 and although it was 2nd floor, I took it just to get out of the hostel. I never thought I’d end up leaving here but I was never really settled. I hated this flat because the previous occupant died in my bedroom and I felt some kind of atmosphere. I had a priest come and bless the flat but it took me over 6 months to actually sleep in my bed, I slept on a futon in the lounge! But although the flat is still decorated with ‘old lady chic’ (ie pink flowers and lace net curtains), I have made it into something I can just about live with. That was until I broke my ankle. Now, I cannot manage the stairs easily and I cannot manage to take out rubbish or get shopping up the stairs. It is such a struggle to go out, I often don’t bother. That is my main reason for moving. There are other reasons like a fresh start, getting away from A (the bloke from downstairs that I am having an ‘unhealthy’ relationship with – we just sleep together out of loneliness and at the unit they thought it was not a helpful thing to be doing, I am torn as I still like seeing him but it is not a normal thing to be doing really), and I can re-decorate the new place so I like it.</p> <p>I have been offered this flat by the housing association. It is right on a motorway and has lots of other mental health patients in it (a few I recognise from acute psych inpatients). But it is ground floor and is a blank canvas in terms of decorating. I get all new flooring and money toward decorating etc but I have to move in 2 weeks. It feels such a good opportunity and such an overwhelming hassle all at once and I am scared. I do not know if I can cope with such a challenge – borderlines do not do change very well and I have to change housing support worker at the same time. My parents and the unit both agree it would be the right thing to do. But I am not happy. I am frustrated that is not my choice. I do not have a mortgage or any say in what I want and where I want, it is all council rules and decisions. If I do move, then will I lose A? Do I want to lose A? Will it be a case of ‘same shit, different place?’ Borderlines are known for ‘doing a geographical’ – moving physically to fix the internal, psychological chaos. It is easy to think right; I will not self harm there. I will be good and make a fresh start. But that didn’t work here and I very much doubt it will work anywhere. I feel forced into this and that is never a good situation for a borderline, control is very important and when I am forced into things, I tend to go off the rails and kick at anybody who represents that – like this new housing worker who I haven’t met but already hate!</p> <p>Add to that the general state of things: just coming out of the unit, the fact I have broken the washing machine, I am still not speaking to my psychiatrist and I am mounting a campaign to have a planned admission to acute psych for Christmas as my family are being impossible, whilst all around me everyone thinks I am fine and ‘much better’ than I was before I went to London, and are expecting me to handle everything far better than I actually can; and you have a very miserable and unhappy Sian. That is why I cannot sleep and I feel like self harming SO much. </p> <p>Yes, I have fantastic support and I am grateful. I have a great flat to move to – if I don’t take it then I could be waiting years for another one. I am lucky this has come up now and the timing is almost an good omen in itself. 2 weeks is enough time to sort everything out, I even have the keys and can get it cleaned and decorated before I move.</p> <p>But I just wish I was dead. I don’t want any of this, this so-called life that has nothing in it that I want. I want a different body that works. I want a job and a career so I can earn my money, choose more about my life and stop scrounging of the state for everything. I want a real relationship with someone I respect and care deeply for. None of these are unrealistic expectations yet they are for me. And nothing I can have, that I can do, will never be enough. I feel like there is little point moving or trying when I know that the best I can ever be will be no where near what I will accept and be content with.</p> <p>I hate feeling like this.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2007/11/15/moving_news~3299007/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2007/11/15/moving_news~3299007/#commentshttp://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2007/10/28/a_row_on_the_cards_again~3208723/tag:basketcase.blog.co.uk,2007-10-28:/2007/10/28/a_row_on_the_cards_again~3208723/Sun, 28 Oct 2007 18:06:29 +0100 <p>There’s going to be row …. All is not well with my family. Let me explain. My lovely father came over this afternoon and he is helping me with loads of things. Like making my bed (I cannot do it alone, I can’t reach the corners on crutches) and taking out the rubbish down 2 flights of stairs. I am so grateful for his help; that is not the problem. I rang mum to say he was on his way home and it transpires that she gave him some money for me, which he forgot to give me. With things so tense in the family already, my father is not a happy man. So a row from mum is likely to make things very difficult. Silly small rows like this often blow up big time at the moment. I feel awful as it is all my fault. I am having a real financial crisis. I spent too much whilst away at the unit and now things are very tight. Mum and Dad are paying off my credit cards and I feel so stupid. Thus the extra money Mum wanted to give to me was so important to her. I am so sick of everything right now. Money makes such a difference to everyone but for me buying things is like buying happiness. I know lots of people do the same and it is not out of control or anything but I just don’t have anything to spare for non-essentials. I keep buying books in order to read more about borderline and self harm, in an effort to feel better. There are lots of self help style books out there. Yet I do know the answers, stick in therapy, get coping skills blah blah … So why do I still think buying stuff is the answer? Who knows!!!</p> <p>Other than that things are very mixed. I am having a lot of mood swings. In minutes I can be laughing, then furious then ok … It is quite confusing and unpredictable. I know this bouncing around of emotions is very hard to be around and so interacting with others is tricky, on a good day I have lots to say, can be very funny and ok, another day, it is all no good and too much, which makes me impossible to be around. So I am not making too many plans to see anyone. Its easier if I just stay inside on my own. I am keeping all my appointments and stuff like that, which is a step forward compared to this time last year where I couldn’t even get out of bed. I am keeping clean and tidy around the flat, all good. I just wish I was happier. What is it that other people do to be happy? When was I last really happy? I am not sure how to answer that. I was never particularly happy in the unit yet I am idolising it now because I am so lonely (out of choice really, my fault, as I can’t face being with people).</p> <p>I wish I could snap out of this maudlin self-pity. I can’t wait to get back to uni. Hopefully the course notes will arrive soon and I can get a head start before Christmas. I have decided to do one history module – Victorian attitudes to religion and gender, 2 theology modules – world religions and Old Testament theology, and a module from social studies – sexualities. Should keep me out of mischief for a while! I am looking forward to using my brain again and being around other students. </p> <p>I did go on the protest march about shutting our local hospital. It was huge. Keith Richards even went. I hope it makes a difference. I have been to A&E over 180 times in the last 3 years or so. Such a time waster, I self harm and then expect them to pick up the pieces. I do feel very guilty about it so by marching etc I hope that I am redressing the balance and giving something back. No one will know the decision of the PCT for ages.</p> <p>So it is not all bad, I am just being a drama queen! (No change there then …)</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2007/10/28/a_row_on_the_cards_again~3208723/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2007/10/28/a_row_on_the_cards_again~3208723/#commentshttp://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2007/10/26/title~3200954/tag:basketcase.blog.co.uk,2007-10-26:/2007/10/26/title~3200954/Fri, 26 Oct 2007 22:11:11 +0200 <p>After much stupidity last week, I have obviously had a visit or 2 to A&E to try and get my head around things. I am glad that my psychologist is back from her leave and I had so much to say to her at my appointment that I appeared a bit hyper – my words came ‘vomiting’ out in a splurge and she had to slow me down! I think this is because I have few people to actually speak to each day. Last weekend, I spent over 36 hours without talking to anyone – no phone calls, no going out …. Nothing.<br> This week though, I did manage to get my arse out of bed and go to Manchester for the day to see people. It was a good day. I loved all the travel and it was a real challenge – over 10 hours on a train, lots of connections to get etc. Simple stuff for most people but really hard when you are on crutches, it takes military planning! I loved seeing my friends and it was the first time I’d met most of them as they were people I post to on the internet. We all have ‘issues’ and met on a group page about self harm. They had all overcome their anxieties and made it to Manchester, and it was a so nice to meet people I had received so much help and support from. I also saw one of my best friends from uni, B. She now lives in Manc and I miss her a lot. I had a nice couple of hours with her and her little girl. Life changes so much for people and I must admit I feel like I must make some changes too. It does feel like I am letting things slip by sometimes.</p> <p>I have been a bit spun out by something my psychologist said when I saw her. We were looking at what to cover in our sessions. She said I was chaotic and until the chaos calms down, we cannot go back to the difficult issues that still hurt me. She called them ‘abuse’ and said I was ‘traumatised’. I am scared by this. I have always known I had past problems that come back to me in the form of flashbacks, and that part of why I self harm is down to what happened, but I never thought of them as abuse. I feel quite shocked to hear them described so seriously. It has made me think a bit differently and face up to the fact I have such issues in my past. I have been looking on the net for hours to find resources and help but my psychologist was very clear that I was not ready to talk about them specifically – I needed to develop other coping mechanisms so that after such sessions I remain safe. So we are going to work on skills training for the time being. I am both relieved and frustrated by everything taking so long. I do not want to talk but I do want the flashbacks to go away and I don’t know any other way of dealing with them other than talking. I do trust her though, she is usually right about this sort of thing.</p> <p>Thus I am left feeling very unstable – not too bad but changeable. One minute, I am very tired and go to bed, other times I can face the world and get on with things. I hate that I still self harm – I had aimed to not need hospital treatment following my stay at the unit. But when I get really out of control, it is still the one way to restore calm and gain some release. I have currently over 20 stitches. No one really knows how much I harm as I have no one to confide in. My psychologist says that if I tell her, she thinks I do so just to worry her. That is not what they said at the unit. They took the attitude that saying and sharing the burden can remove the need to communicate via cutting. Having people know is enough. I miss the unit so much. I often look at my watch and think what I’d be doing now if I was still there. I think of the staff and the other residents and wish I had not wasted so much of it being angry or pathetic. Until I get back to uni, I am not sure what to do with myself. Time just feels endless and lonely.</p> <p>I have had a positive week really, but it feels pants. Too much self-pity and introspection I think.</p> <p>Tomorrow is another march to save our local A&E from closure. Ironically, I have been there over 180 times and need it more than most but I am not sure whether it is really appropriate for me to go. I do, after all, have a choice about going – I cause the harm which needs treatment. But I think that the government cannot get away with running down the NHS resources this way. They say it is better for people to go to big hospitals and get specialist help. Obviously they have never been to a big hospital – my time in ‘national centres of excellence’ has proved that big hospitals do not have time to care. Yes, they may have the most specialist services but the nursing care, waiting times, conditions of the wards and infections rates are appalling. Local hospitals are much better and if they cannot treat you, at least you get transferred to somewhere that can help in a better state than after long ambulance journeys (I get very ambulance sick – a transfer from Chichester to Brighton was enough to make me projectile vomit!) So I am going to try and attend, it’s the least I can do to say thank you and I’m sorry.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2007/10/26/title~3200954/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2007/10/26/title~3200954/#commentshttp://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2007/10/19/long_october_days~3164272/tag:basketcase.blog.co.uk,2007-10-19:/2007/10/19/long_october_days~3164272/Fri, 19 Oct 2007 22:57:51 +0200 <p>So, it has been three weeks since I left the unit. I have settled back in to some sort of normality, prescriptions, household tasks and various episodes of very bad borderline behaviour. Things are different than before, I am trying a lot harder not to self harm and have managed to avoid A&E a bit more, I have started to go out and see people and I have tidied up somewhat (ie. Have found the sofa – and a stack of bills!!)</p> <p>I feel a bit more in touch with my friends but I am still stuck for words when it comes to describing where I have been. It’s like coming out in some ways – I tell people my progress and in doing so, they find out how bad things were. A lot of people don’t realise about my depression and self harm and so saying about therapy has led to some difficult discussions but I feel a sense of relief, overall. Like people know me more and can appreciate where I am coming from, I think.</p> <p>I am so uncertain about my future and now I realise that lying doesn’t help. If I just say part of the truth, that I will return to uni and that will have to do for now, often I am surprised by people’s responses, they too have little sense of the long term. My mate C has a new man, I am pleased for her and hope she has found a nice one. She makes me see that you can have everything I think I want, like a job, mortgage and family but if you are unhappy about being single or without a child, then it is as if you have nothing. I wish I had more interesting things to say and usually resort to the news or TV storylines to have a conversation. I do still feel a long way off a good friend to my friends. I have forgotten their birthdays and lost track of their lives whilst I lived in the CRU bubble. I did so because I was focusing on myself but also I could not bear the gap between their lives and the state of mine. I am so very selfish at times but I had to make the most of the CRU. My friends do not seem to mind though.</p> <p>My parents have waded into my flat and helped me enormously. They patiently sorted, tidied, fetched and carried last Saturday and will do so again tomorrow in the hope of getting me sorted. I am so grateful to them. I really feel closer to them now. I had to tell them of my financial situation but they are helping me to budget etc. At the CRU group, I was told off by the staff for running to my parents and ‘running them into early graves’. I can see their point but right now, I am at the stage where I could give up all together and just having someone care about me and my life, is enough to get me out of bed and doing stuff. I am using my parents too much but they want to do something, anything to help me get on with my life. I will try, again to keep going once the flat is more manageable. It’s a fine line between learned helplessness and true need. I am not sure where I am with that.</p> <p>My psychologist has been away and I look forward to her return and some therapeutic input. I have been back to the outpatient group twice but each time I came away and ended up in A&E. It hurts so much to be back there and not part of it. I am not going again for a while. CPN from hell has been really nice. I am shocked! But she helped me sort out my kitchen – rolling up her sleeves to do the washing up and stuff. I am used to her being just a judgemental pain in the arse – I totally see her differently now. A very nice surprise. But, one of my more borderline days happened to be when I saw my consultant and told him to ‘leave me alone’ adding ‘you patronizing bastard’, and stormed out. Not big or clever. I have yet to apologise. I was very cross with myself but I just lost it.<br> So I have plenty of help from lots of nice people in the mental health world, good friends and parents. But I still feel very empty, like it is all for show and not how I really want life to be. I sit alone a lot, usually in bed watching TV or reading. I am miserable and self pitying but I don’t know what else to do. I have offered my voluntary services to the church and the vicar says he’ll find me something to do, and I hope to slowly get more active. It’s just hard. Baby steps take a lot of motivation and that is something I am struggling with, but not giving up on, for now.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2007/10/19/long_october_days~3164272/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2007/10/19/long_october_days~3164272/#commentshttp://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2007/10/07/home_at_last~3099972/tag:basketcase.blog.co.uk,2007-10-07:/2007/10/07/home_at_last~3099972/Sun, 07 Oct 2007 21:25:12 +0200 <p> I have been officially discharged from the CRU and have returned to my flat. I have been home a week now and cannot face unpacking so the flat is like Basra on a bad day – stuff everywhere – I have even lost the sofa! I am overwhelmed with the task because the flat was a tip even before I came home and there is just too much crap in all the storage spaces so I have to sort them out before I can even begin unpacking. But the truth is perhaps what lies behind my inability to unpack – at the unit we were continually asked to look at our behaviour and work out what is really motivating us. And in this case, I just cannot face the finality of leaving the unit. I cannot accept that I have left and I do not want to be at home. The unit and all that I have achieved whilst being there feels so present and I actually ache because I am missing them. Ironic really since I had so much trouble staying there. Every Sunday was a trial to make myself go back and now, Sunday afternoons are unbearable in the fact that I am stuck here for another 7 days with no respite.<br> My leaving was both touching and sad but the staff and current residents were very kind and thoughtful in how they helped me to review the admission and realise all that I have achieved but also saying goodbye without falling apart. I spent so much time in tears in the last week. But I also found myself furious – I was not ready to leave, I have nothing in the community. I wanted them to make me better and I was so disappointed that it was the end but the strong feelings and problems I arrived with, have not abated at all. It was a very tiring and emotional week. Unsurprising that this week I have bounced from appointment to appointment, trying not to think about it all.</p> <p>Today it all hit me – a whole week without the CRU. I cried for ages and I felt so awful, I had to self harm for the first time since I’ve been back. I am now gathering up the courage to go back to A&E. I feel that I have let everyone down and if my parents knew, they’d be crushed. All that money (£66,000) and I still have to self harm in order to cope. I want to be back there. It felt so caring and safe – even though at the time, it felt nothing like that. I now sit here at home and have no one. Out of hours care is an ‘unmet need’ according to the discharge form and there is nothing anyone can do to change this. Yes, there are helplines and such but basically, you are on your own. The head of the unit, Jane, admitted that I would have a very tough time in the next three months, adjusting to life back here again. I do have the opportunity to return for one group a week on Tuesdays, called the CRU group. You go for 3 months, each Tuesday, and have 45mins back in the unit to talk. But that is divided between up to 3 returning residents. So I travel for 3 hours and get 15 mins. Marvellous. I couldn’t face going last Tuesday but I have to go this Tuesday because I have travel forms and money to claim plus my home team needs some of the paperwork like care plans and copies of letters etc. I do want to see everyone again. I miss my fellow residents and I want to see how they are getting on but I am scared to see the staff again, because I have screwed up so badly. And there is a real chance that in leaving the unit to come back here, whilst the inpatients go to art group, it might just make things feel even worse. I do not want to see S in charge as senior resident. I don’t want to hear what I have missed and I don’t want to see the staff, feel their care but not be able to get any time with them. It hurts so much; I just go from task to task until I sleep each day. I feel very empty. I cannot face seeing my friends again and I am sick of telling people how I am doing fine, I am much better and all that crap.</p> <p>I have a photo from the unit that I will try to upload to my blog. I look at it and remember that day, and realise that I had every chance to change but I wouldn’t or couldn’t let them in enough. </p> <p>I pin my hopes on getting some voluntary job so that I have a purpose again – it is only in helping others that I feel any better about myself. I do have psychology sessions as well so I have to keep at it, tidy my flat and try again and again.</p> <p>I now face the joy of waiting ages in A&E on a Sunday. My own fault, I know but I wish I could stitch myself.<br> Sorry to moan and whinge but that is how I am at the moment.</p> <p>There has to be more to life than this ...</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2007/10/07/home_at_last~3099972/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2007/10/07/home_at_last~3099972/#commentshttp://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2007/09/16/nearly_there~2988886/tag:basketcase.blog.co.uk,2007-09-16:/2007/09/16/nearly_there~2988886/Sun, 16 Sep 2007 15:59:11 +0200 <p>My second to last weekend has been ok. No real incidents of self harm, no trips to A&E and no contact with the bloke I shouldn’t see (but sometimes do and get in a mess with). Are things changing? Yes, I think they are. I had my hair cut and highlighted again. I am trying to look after myself and my flat a bit more, and I do think I am harming less. I try to only harm when there is no other option and try harder at distraction etc. There are times when it works and times when I am too far gone. I have this switch in my head and once it pings, I have to harm whether it is right away or a few hours later. But that is only half the number of times compared to before I went into the unit. I am trying to be hopeful and cheerful, trying to work up the courage to admit I have changed and that the unit has made a positive impact on my life, that I am grateful to the staff and it will be ok.</p> <p>But …. Tempered with that is the fact that I took an overdose last week. I took twice the recorded lethal dose of a drug as I had decided that the future was too hard. I did not want to live, that I’d let everyone down and that I’d failed everyone. I felt that nothing would ever be enough and that all I do here on earth is whinge, moan and feel sorry for myself. I hurt so many people, I know I do the wrong thing time and time again but I can’t work out how else to behave at times or I am too scared to try anything different. I felt like my hope for any kind of life was pointless and I’d prefer to die than live an existence like my life before I went into the unit.<br> I survived, just. It was horrible to have to go through so much physical suffering but I was lucky to have lived at all. I stayed in the local general hospital near the unit for 5 days. I lied to everyone around me and said I was in the psych unit for the weekend, I couldn’t tell them what I had done. I hoped that I’d die, I was scared when I thought I was going to die and now I’m left with a sense of ‘so, I am meant to be alive, but now what?’</p> <p>In 2 weeks time, I can not return to the unit and I feel as though I am setting myself up to fail on the outside. Like a massive sense of impending doom. I need to find a focus, get a job or a life or something that is worth keeping going for.<br> Why is it never enough? I was at the national unit for self harm and it wasn’t enough. I whinged and moaned my way through my treatment and I have seen the nastiest sides of my character. I just do not know where I fit in society or what role I can do in order to make a difference and find some meaning in all this. I think of job after job but then I find out that I can’t do it or that it wasn’t what I thought it was. Nurse, counsellor, researcher, receptionist, checkout girl …. Nothing seems right for me. I am being very picky but what I want to do, which I think is medicine or nursing, I am not physically capable of doing. So what now?</p> <p>It’s all ‘no good’ and ‘too much’. I have to return to the unit today and start my long goodbye. I’d much prefer a quiet farewell and to go now rather than this long drawn out procedure full of ritual and ceremony. I guess they do it for a reason and in the long run, you have to leave the right way in order to start the next bit well.</p> <p>I am trying, I will keep trying and it will be ok in the end. </p> <p>I found this perfect quote on a card the other day and it is so true:<br> ‘Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened’</p> <p>That is what I am aiming to do.</p> <p>PS. I will try not to harm once and see how it goes, thank you AB for your lovely comments. Means a great deal. X</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2007/09/16/nearly_there~2988886/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2007/09/16/nearly_there~2988886/#commentshttp://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2007/08/19/sorry_this_is_very_self_indulgent~2834142/tag:basketcase.blog.co.uk,2007-08-19:/2007/08/19/sorry_this_is_very_self_indulgent~2834142/Sun, 19 Aug 2007 17:07:35 +0200 <p>I am not happy – as per usual.</p> <p>I now have 6 weeks left to go and on Monday, all my care workers are coming up to the unit to talk about what to do with me when I leave. However, the head of the unit is away and I feel that she doesn’t care enough to attend my big meeting, so why should I go? How pathetic is that? I will go and I am sitting here contemplating how best to go about getting back to London. I now have my car and I can drive it – I drove yesterday for the first time on my own since last October and it felt so good to have my freedom back. But I am scared of the long drive and the traffic in London. </p> <p>Nothing is working out at the moment and I just want to forget about it all. I don’t want to go back again and I just want to stay here at home for the rest of my admission. I have had another row with one of my three primary nurses and I can no longer work with him. He said he was more interested in what 2 other residents are thinking and feeling rather than me. I was very hurt by this and then he did not see any reason for my distress. I was over reacting as per usual.</p> <p>I cannot seem to cope with anything right now. I am harming about twice a week because it is all so stressful. I do want to leave and have the best care when I am back here for good but … I don’t want to ever leave the unit because I am scared that without their help, I will succumb to my own evil impulses and die. We don’t talk a lot about dying from self harm, but my friend Gemma did kill herself and the other night at the unit, one of the other residents, C, was taken away in an ambulance after swallowing a razor blade. I was very shocked. But, it is just a taste of what it is like for my parents – they must worry so much about me and what I do to myself. I feel so guilty but the first thing I go to when I am upset is self harm. It helps get rid of the emotions so well that the down sides of it, like going to A&E and being treated like shit, are worth it. But hurting others … that is surely worth stopping for? I just feel so crap about it all.</p> <p>As senior resident, I am trying very hard for the unit. I do everything they ask and still that nurse I argued with called me lazy. The meal was a success – the food was ok but I was complemented on the fact that the meal was the best organised meal they have ever had! So I can’t be that lazy then? I truly am trying my best to be everything they want me to be. But that never feels good enough</p> <p>It’s all so hard. I have family work on Tuesday. My parents are coming up for an hour and at least they can have their say about everything. I just hope it goes ok. I am so sorry to drag them into all this but I know we need to talk about my self harm and the way it affects them.</p> <p>I am so scared I have wasted all the trust money because right now, I do not feel any better and I am so tired. I am sorry to go on and whinge so much but that is where I am at.</p> <p>I have to go back now … here we go again.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2007/08/19/sorry_this_is_very_self_indulgent~2834142/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2007/08/19/sorry_this_is_very_self_indulgent~2834142/#commentshttp://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2007/08/05/just_before_i_return_to_the_unit~2758128/tag:basketcase.blog.co.uk,2007-08-05:/2007/08/05/just_before_i_return_to_the_unit~2758128/Sun, 05 Aug 2007 11:42:57 +0200 <p>Just a quick one today as I am running late in terms of getting everything done before I set off, on time, for the unit.</p> <p>Before I launch into another boring tirade about the unit, I just wanted to say a big thank you to the lovely people who read and comment on my blog. I print all of them out and put them into my diary to treasure as I feel so touched that people would bother to get involved in my crazy life, voluntarily. I have been thinking about how many people are in my life and mostly, apart from my poor long suffering parents, they do not know anything about the stuff I write here. Very few know that I self harm and those that do know have no idea about how severe my problems are. So to have people who have never met me caring this much for me makes me feel more cared for than you can possibly know. I am very, very grateful and the advice is often spot-on.</p> <p>Anyway, this week has been another rollercoaster. I guess if it gets easy, then I am not trying hard enough. I have been very told off for my behaviour in groups. You are right, borderlines do not generally respond well to group situations but I am doing particularly badly at the moment. I was trying harder a few weeks ago when K and E were still at the unit. But since they have left and we have so many new people to work with, I have this awful feeling that I do not want them to know my business. I fear their judgement and I want to be seen as a nice, good person. So I hold back on comments and never really talk about what is going on for me. The staff say that when I shut my eyes in group (which I do when ever I want to leave the room so they stay shut for ages) that it is very rude and unhelpful. It looks to others like I do not care about their issues or that I am border. I thought that by shutting my eyes and metaphorically leaving the room, I stopped myself from getting involved in their issues and being nasty. I can’t bear watching other people cry and get upset in group when you cannot hug them. I want to keep out of their problems because a/ it is none of my business and b/ I have enough problems of my own. Selfish, I know, but there is only so much misery I can handle.</p> <p>What am I going to do? I have to start using the groups because I only have 8 weeks left and for 7 of them, I will be senior resident so I have to take the lead. Plus, is it so bad to let people know what is going on for me? Am I that different? L manages to share her issues when she is very odd at times and no one bats an eyelid. I also feel that others have enough on their plate without my crap. Is it arrogant to want to keep my problems private?</p> <p>Then, this Thursday, I am organising a lunch for 16 people as part of saying goodbye to L. I want to make it special but she has picked some difficult dishes to cook and the other residents refuse to do anything more than just chop stuff and set the table. I am so nervous. I could seriously mess this up for everyone. But I am planning very carefully and it has been done by everyone else before, so I just have to get on with it. I can’t focus too much on my own problems until next week, which can only be a good thing, so I suppose that it will be fine. I just wish I didn’t feel so on my own with it all.</p> <p>The male resident is fine. He is a sweet bloke who has a number of problems and I just feel sorry for him rather than scared of him. I really catastrophise at times (borderline thing AGAIN).</p> <p>And so, this aching sadness and pull towards suicide must be put on hold. I have these very intense urges to see if I am meant to be alive; trying to die one more time. They are there and I have told my nurse but she just thinks it’s a borderline self pitying thing, but I know what I am capable of. And this week I must work on making things good for L so that I do not spiral downwards and think those thoughts. I just get very scared of myself at times.</p> <p>Right, time to pack.</p> <p>All good w</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2007/08/05/just_before_i_return_to_the_unit~2758128/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2007/08/05/just_before_i_return_to_the_unit~2758128/#commentshttp://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2007/07/29/evening_evaluation_the_group_i_should_be~2722923/tag:basketcase.blog.co.uk,2007-07-29:/2007/07/29/evening_evaluation_the_group_i_should_be~2722923/Sun, 29 Jul 2007 19:46:46 +0200 <p>I am bunking off!</p> <p>Seriously, I should be at the unit right now and once again I am taking Sunday/Monday off. I cannot face going back but also, I have chosen to take the days off to sort myself out – I have to attend the STI and family planning clinics and I felt it was best that I took responsibility and sorted it all out here in Chichester rather than in London, only to have to send my notes down when I leave the unit.</p> <p>I have got myself into a rather huge mess and if I am honest, I left the unit in a very bad mood on Friday. I wish I could leave now in some ways, but in others, I wish I could stay there forever. It is only the thought of how hard it will be to leave, that is making me act like a right bollocks – I am so scared that in 9 weeks time, I will be alone again. If I work on stuff up there and it opens a can of worms, then in a few weeks, I will back here with just outpatients to rely on. It sounds so pathetic, but if I fight and argue then I won’t be so hurt. But then again, I will not be using the unit to its full potential. Grrrrr. I have all these areas of ambivalence and confusion, like how during the week, the unit firmly controls my meds and treatment, yet Friday – Sunday, I am allowed to do it all. They will not let me do my own meds at all. It’s like they say I am useless all week but suddenly on Fridays, I am responsible?? Then all the stuff about being abandoned in Kings – I am still really hurt that the second I was physically ill, they just left me. I feel that those 3 days were awful, I was given no support or help with the difficult issues bought up by having that kind of treatment. I was not given any space to get my head around it all. I talk about my experiences over the years of being ill and in hospital – all of which are very hard because I get flashbacks all the time, but they (the staff) stop me and say I am talking about the wrong thing. If I am upset by something, surely then it is worth discussing? The relationships between me and a number of the staff are very strained and I know that they do not like me as much as the other residents. One nurse hugged another resident in front of me as if to say ‘J deserves a hug as she is good, you do not because you are bad Sian,’ I am so anxious al the time, my anxiety scores have doubled since my admission (they test our depression, anxiety and social functioning scores 3 times per 6 months of admission).</p> <p>But the argument with the staff on Friday was my entire fault. I was upset that the doctor of the unit is leaving. I have argued with him before but then we started to get on. So, I thought that I would be able to see him and say goodbye properly so that the therapeutic relationship was ended (closure issues and all that ….). But the staff said that I had to say goodbye in group. No reason, just a decision. I refused. I will not talk about really personal stuff in group. It was bad enough to have to answer questions about my hygiene and cleanliness in front of the group (I do not look after myself very well – I have a new care plan demanding that I clean myself up and try to take more pride in my appearance – embarrassing and humiliating but at least I am trying to sort it and the other residents also said they had similar issues), but I couldn’t say goodbye to someone I really cared about in front of them. So I picked a fight with him over medication with him. I did try to fix it, and I did him a nice card with what I wanted to say in it, but all in all, I was not very nice. With all my health problems, I am very reliant upon doctors. The whole 6 month rotation stuff is harsh on me because I just get to know them and then they leave. They leave, and I stay the same. Sometimes, I’d see them again as they progressed through their career, but usually, they’d be there one day and gone the next. I thought this time I would get to say goodbye and have a chance to say all this. But once again, I am left behind. Still useless and ill.</p> <p>To deal with all this, and the expectation of the new male resident tomorrow, I got pissed last night on my own (cherry liqueur). Not big or clever. I have cut twice this week and I am generally feeling really miserable. </p> <p>I cannot do anything right in London and I am so tired of being who they want me to be, but then again, I wish I had long to work on my deep and complex issues. Why do I behave so badly? I do these things, have these arguments and then I feel deeply ashamed. But not ashamed enough not do it again.</p> <p>I am scared of tomorrow; I hate those types of appointments and examinations because of stuff from the past. I know that no one likes them but I find it brings things up and I just get upset by the memories. I have learned some grounding techniques and hopefully I will be ok. But then I have to travel back to the unit 11pm at night because of the trains. It’s mad but I am not allowed to miss Tuesday’s program.</p> <p>I am sorry to go on. There are some other bits going on. I am doing physio now and that means my walking is getting easier. The new resident from last week, C, is lovely and although she likes being the worst self harmer and the biggest safety risk, she’ll get there in the end. The other residents are doing ok and S, who I really feared has actually been ok. She has to stay or she’ll end up in a behavioural unit so she is trying harder, at last. I have chosen a new perfume which I love – its Elizabeth Arden ‘Mediterranean’ and its lovely. So not all bad, honest.</p> <p>The urges to self harm still come and at times I have more strength to face them than at others. Sometimes I know if I give in, then at least I will get a release from the feelings but sometimes, it’s not long before I’m off again. I am scared by what I know to be within my capabilities. I know how to seriously harm myself and at times, I want to see if I am still meant to be alive or if I should be dead. If I tempt fate, try to do something serious, and then if I am saved, then I know I am meant to be alive but if I die, then I am finally where I should have been all along. I died for 10 mins when I 20, and I still wonder that each time I have been resuss’ed, was I meant to have died? Was I meant to be saved? Should I still be alive? </p> <p>And now it’s time for big brother.<br> See you later (and thank you for reading – you have done well to plough through all my crap!!) </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2007/07/29/evening_evaluation_the_group_i_should_be~2722923/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2007/07/29/evening_evaluation_the_group_i_should_be~2722923/#commentshttp://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2007/07/22/a_very_long_pathetic_whinge_you_are_warn~2682176/tag:basketcase.blog.co.uk,2007-07-22:/2007/07/22/a_very_long_pathetic_whinge_you_are_warn~2682176/Sun, 22 Jul 2007 19:02:34 +0200 <p>I am at a sort of crossroad with the unit, it has been an exhausting week where I feel that I have given all of myself and have not really enough left for me.<br> Let me explain …<br> I knew this week would be hard. K leaving was already a big issue and I knew her last week would be awful. I tried so very hard to make it special and as easy for her as possible, but each night I went to bed beyond tired. I had lots of ‘heart-to-hearts’ with L, K and J. There were only 4 of us all week which is not really that different from 6, but the absence of 2 people was more severe this week. Especially as we had news about the next 2 residents booked to be admitted this Monday and the next (23rd and 30th July). The big news is the admission of a 40 year old man. I flipped at this news. We only have one shower, three toilets and one bath. Sharing with an unknown man and having him sleep in the rooms next to us is so scary. 3 out of the 4 of us at the unit have been raped. And the nurses do not seem to care. There have been men on the unit before and there have been no significant problems. I just think that it is really inappropriate. We have to be able to talk about our experiences of sex and rape, but a man will prevent all that work from going on. Plus, and this makes me cringe but J thinks the same, I am worried that I will behave very badly and end up shagging him. It happened twice in acute psych and I just am scared I will repeat the same old patterns. I don’t want to be in this situation and I am terribly jealous of K’s admission because she sailed through the unit without such issues because the last time a man was on the unit was 2006.<br> Then there is the return of angst-ridden teenager from hell, S. She is 18 but so young and she is someone I have so many issues with, that her not being at the unit for the best part of 5 weeks has been a blessed relief. She returns today and that is the main reason I am not going back until tomorrow. I do not want to be there with her. I do not want to talk about anything in front of her because I do not want her to know anything about me. She is the one that thinks if she cuts badly enough to need stitches in a&e, then it is a ‘success’. She has no reason to get better as she spends all her spare time on the net moderating a self harm website, so if she stops harming, then she has nothing. It is all she talks about. Last week the whole needing an escort to her local unit was a load of arse if she can get herself out of the acute unit within a week. Clearly she said all the right things to the duty doctor and staff at the unit, but her local team know her better and can see through all her pretence. It makes me so angry, I am liable to launch a nasty, aggressive diatribe at her and I know that is unfair, I am 30 years old and I should be able to control myself. </p> <p>So, all in all, I am seriously thinking about my position at the unit. My psychologist cannot take me back unit October but I could go back to uni and the day hospital for support. Yet I do not want a stupid teenager and violent bloke to take away my one chance to have all this help? I was starting to talk about this on Thursday and the staff couldn’t care less, they are so arrogant. They were like, it’s your choice and we can fill your place no problem. My associate nurse, who I currently can’t work with at all, called M, was then beyond horrible. There was a water leak in my room and he laughed saying it was nothing when actually; it soaked my bed, my books and ruined my wash bag and quilt. I cannot believe the total lack of support and kindness from the unit. Did you know there is a rule that staff DO NOT hand you tissues when you cry? You have to take responsibility for getting your own tissues. What? And then the other day, I needed some indigestion stuff and there was no nurse around to help me for over 2 hours, so I took some from my own supply and I had to report it as self harm. Self harm? I was helping myself, looking after myself when they couldn’t be bothered. </p> <p>I can only take so much of their petty stupid rules, boundaries and regime. I am tired, K did not appreciate any of what I did for her (which was not the aim of all I did, but a thank you would have been nice) and I am at the stage where I do not know what to do. My parents don’t really understand and there is a huge family situation going on with my grandmother (as per bloody usual) and so they’re busy. I should be able to sort this out for myself anyway.</p> <p>But, there is hope on the horizon, I have ward round tomorrow. Now, I am not a fan of ward rounds. In the past I have avoided them like the plague, hiding in hospital bathrooms for hours when I was ill with my asthma. I hate loads of people talking about me and making me sound nothing more than my symptoms. So, as hard as it is, I think that is the only space to get people to listen to me. I know I should have gone back today, but I want to send them the message that I am miserable and have serious doubts about continuing my admission. There is no point cutting; they never listen to that, so I will return tomorrow in time for ward round. I have planned to get the same train as my care co-ordinator so I have some time to be with someone who knows me before I walk into the unit again. It is a tad pathetic and I am very frustrated with myself. I know I am going to get to the stage where I have to cut because I feel so crap, but this way, I at least have more time to think and work out what I am going to say and do tomorrow.</p> <p>I feel like I am letting everyone down and making such a drama out of nothing, but I truly feel scared of what I am capable of, and scared of the other residents. It is my admission and I want to do myself justice as well as get better for all those around me who are hurt by my behaviour. 10 weeks left and so much to sort out, I don’t know where to start or just to take what I can and go home now before I really lose it.</p> <p>I hate myself so much, I wish I could be a nicer person but I seem to have to work at being nice. No unit is going to change that, is it? And if that is the case, what the hell am I doing? Is life worth all the pain and hurt I cause? I hate this and it feels like it has always been this way. Can I change it? Is 30 too old? What do I want from life? Do I want life?</p> <p>Sorry.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2007/07/22/a_very_long_pathetic_whinge_you_are_warn~2682176/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2007/07/22/a_very_long_pathetic_whinge_you_are_warn~2682176/#commentshttp://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2007/07/14/retail_therapy_day~2635245/tag:basketcase.blog.co.uk,2007-07-14:/2007/07/14/retail_therapy_day~2635245/Sat, 14 Jul 2007 20:08:51 +0200 <p>Here is an ode to retail therapy:<br> I have spent too much<br> On many pretty things<br> …<br> Bank statement will not arrive for ages<br> So for now, my heart sings</p> <p>Ok, very bad poetry, but you get the idea. I have bought happiness (and 2 t-shirts, pants, some earrings and a whole lot more!!!) and I really enjoyed it. The sun helps and being with my mum was a real treat. It’s so hard to leave the unit behind. In my mind I keep thinking I have to evaluate about this on Sunday night, what will I say in group? It kind of destroys the moment and allows the unit to define my leave at home which is a bit sad. I must try and leave the week of hard stuff behind in London and have almost a separate self for the appreciation of home.</p> <p>A comment on my blog (thank you) talked about decorating and I am sorry to say that did not really occur to me. I have never attempted DIY of any sort and may be that might make the flat more mine that having the décor decided by a lovely little old lady who sadly died. I will ask my support worker about the practicalities of what I can and can’t do as it is a rental flat but that is a great idea. </p> <p>I am in a funny mood really. I have some many things to deal with this weekend. Another lovely resident is going home on Friday. So I am expecting a very emotional week, again. It is hard for us to comprehend the feelings she has because until you leave, you don’t know how it is. She has spent most of last week crying and going for long walks. I am planning a surprise party for one of her last evenings and we have all clubbed together to get her a special present. But … change is unsettling and it reminds us all how hard it is to leave. My parents think I can handle it and that I will not make a big scene or drama, but I have my concerns. I arrived in such a hurricane, angry at everything and everyone, I so want to leave them with good memories of a nice patient they enjoyed treating and then I go and pick fights all the time. I was told off for bad language and being rude to the staff, I am ashamed to admit. I lost my temper because another resident had to be escorted home to her local hospital acute ward. I was sad for her, but before the sadness, I felt furious with jealousy that she got an escort and yet when I was really unwell at Kings, I was left on my own with no help at all. I was so frightened and unwell, it was a horrible experience and none of the staff could care less. It is no real excuse, but it is an explanation for my behaviour. I need to work on my emotional reactivity and be less extreme. It’s as if I need to be able to be in more control. The staff no longer believe I am sorry for all the times I have been rude or angry because I am not changing enough. I feel very stuck this way because I can think up all these management skills but when that something explodes in my head, I just launch into nasty-mode. I don’t really know why, but it feels like it will last forever and then … its gone again and I’m left as I am now, deeply ashamed and confused.</p> <p>I feel all wrong, like at the unit I have to be constantly on guard and check my behaviour, incase I am in trouble or I have upset someone. I spend most evenings alone trying to keep myself away from the others in an attempt to limit their exposure to me and so I don’t have to change how I feel to fit in with them. I do this all the time. I can only see my friends infrequently because it is such an effort to be around them.</p> <p>They are also on at me about my use of crutches. I use one crutch around the unit and 2 for balance if I go out anywhere. I have really tried to fit in and move as much as everyone else but mobility is really hard for me. My legs swell a lot and retain fluid, I am unbalanced, I can’t feel much below the knees and so on. But the staff think I have made it all up to gain attention and keep ‘disabled’ when I don’t need to be. I know this is real, I’ve had tests and it is peripheral neuropathy. But they will not let it go .I know it is easier in many ways to be ill but I am trying my hardest to get on and not make a big thing of it. </p> <p>I don’t really know how to get through the next 11 weeks. It will be tough, 2 more people to leave, potentially 4 more residents to join …. What is important to talk about and what is a distraction? How best can I use the time? Hard stuff.</p> <p>I am doing more in the main hospital sites like woodwork and sewing, they are with other patients from other units and it is nice to do stuff that is not endlessly analysed and picked over. But I must use the unit to its full potential. The Trust are paying so much money, my parents want me to get better so much and I need to change so much in order to be happy. I must get over myself a bit more and not argue so much. I am so torn between being the way they want, trusting them and doing as they say, and the slightly removed position I take now. I kick the systems so much, but they must work, why else does the keep going in this era of accountability and evidence-based practice.</p> <p>I don’t know, but I’m over half way and I do feel better overall, so you can’t say fairer than that.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2007/07/14/retail_therapy_day~2635245/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2007/07/14/retail_therapy_day~2635245/#commentshttp://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2007/07/07/love_life_or_change_it~2593128/tag:basketcase.blog.co.uk,2007-07-07:/2007/07/07/love_life_or_change_it~2593128/Sat, 07 Jul 2007 23:49:25 +0200 <p>I am sat here in my flat on leave from the unit and wondering what on earth to put in my blog. So much is flying around my head and I feel so full of emotion that I do not know where to begin.<br> My last entry seems a life time ago. I am back in treatment and this is only weekend leave not the naughty step again. The last few weeks have been a real rollercoaster of situations, behaviour, thoughts and feelings. The unit has been in a great state of flux, one resident came to the end of her treatment and we had to say a very tearful goodbye to her. She was very dignified but at the end of living somewhere for six months and telling them all your secrets and problems, it is awful to face leaving everyone behind and returning to a world which you were all too ready to forget. I personally fear getting too attached to the unit and its staff, so I try to keep myself one step removed. The staff have noticed and have asked me to trust them and the process more, and realised that being attached is part of the treatment. I will not use the place properly if I do not trust them. I am so scared of being unable to function in the world and being all alone again that I feel pulled in all directions. I desperately want to be paert of the unit, the resident they want to care for and like having around, everyone’s friend and tell them all the shit that fills my head in hope of wisdom and support to sort all of it out – but in doing so, I can never be with them again as I am now. Once the treatment is over, you only go back for out patients for 3 months and then you are transferred to your home team and that’s it, you can never return. All their input and kindness, and you can never see them. I have experienced this before. I had a lot of time in acute general wards and there were a couple of wards in particular that looked after me for months on end – and I thought I was very attached to the staff there, but when I got better, I never saw them again. I went back for a day and they had forgotten me. It hurt so much to have a place and a set of staff be so involved in my life, and then be nothing to them. Life changes, it moves on and that feeling of care and safety can be recreated elsewhere, but it’s never the same. And then to have these people in your life, making such differences but that being just their job … I find it so hard to think that all of them are there because it is a job and pays money – their care is not friendship but professional. It’s a bit like having sex with a prostitute, it feels real but its just their job. (ok that is a bit extreme but you know what I mean)<br> So, I need to dive in, let them know all of me and then help me get better and that means trusting them and not thinking about leaving all the time. I will have to face it and there is a proper time for that once I get to the last 3 weeks. I must get hurt, engage and then have to wrench myself away to the rest of my life. I am so scared, so very scared but that is the process. </p> <p>The other day, I found a letter I wrote to myself when I was 19 to open on my 30th birthday. It was an idea from a TV programme called Northern Exposure. I read it and it broke my heart. I was suffering so much back then. The letter speaks of being scared that every night I could breathe and it was as if I never expected to live that long – that I’d not make it to 30. I asked myself what had changed in the world and I suppose I expected the world to change a great deal and I am not sure that it has. I know the advent of mobiles has changed life a lot but the wars, pain, misery and suffering in the world feels much the same. I spoke of hoping that I would be a doctor as I had just filled in the forms to apply for med. School. I wanted to be a gynaecologist in a family planning clinic and that is what I put in the letter. I feel that in reply, I have totally failed myself. At 19 I had hopes and at 30, I have none except to survive treatment. Its is such a let down to my 19 year old self. I have nothing. I wrote that I hoped I would be happy as I was not happy then. I cannot remember how unhappy I was then and whether it compares to my despair now. But I wrote this ‘love life or change it’. I think that advice is the most important of all that I wrote. I do not love life, thus I am in the process of changing it. It is such a coincidence that I said that and it is now that I find it. The staff at the unit believe there are no coincidences in life, that everything happens for a reason and I think right now, I needed that letter. I also said that I hoped my sister would find her niche in life and it only last week she went for her training to be a member of BA cabin crew. I am so proud of her, but she will not acknowledge my existence – still. So I can’t tell her how I feel or ask her about her exciting new life. It’s all so sad and I just keep listening to the song ‘halleluiah’ by Rufus Wainwright. It is sad and it matches how I feel. </p> <p>More changes at the unit – one girl just walked out, another ended up back in acute psych in her local area when she was sent on leave for breaking rules, I went into Kings College Hospital for 3 days with pelvic inflammatory disease then spent time of the depression unit instead of having weekend leave because I was so depressed … 2 members of staff away on leave, new nurse starting Monday. All very unsettling. Borderlines hate change, we like things the same, like a child hearing the same story over and over again at bedtime for security. So I fear more emotionally charged groups and mood swings are on the cards. It is all so much to take but I am now more than half way through, It feels like I have been there forever and still very new to it, at the same time.</p> <p>Love life or change it, I said that over 10 years ago and now I must do it, my 19 year old self would expect nothing less!</p> <p>Hope all is well in your world.</p> <p>Nos Da</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2007/07/07/love_life_or_change_it~2593128/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2007/07/07/love_life_or_change_it~2593128/#commentshttp://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2007/06/12/opps_i_did_it_again_back_on_the_naughty_~2440614/tag:basketcase.blog.co.uk,2007-06-12:/2007/06/12/opps_i_did_it_again_back_on_the_naughty_~2440614/Tue, 12 Jun 2007 18:19:42 +0200 <p>I am so sorry. I have screwed up again and am on the naught step for a second time. The unit have sent me home for 7 days ‘reflective boundary leave’. This time I removed my own sutures and had a ventolin neb without asking permission. I do not see either misdemeanour as wrong and that is the problem … how can I keep their numerous rules if I do not see any reason for them? I do not feel in the wrong and I think either the unit is using me as an example to the others or I am being punished for other reasons and these are the only ones they can pin on me officially.</p> <p>It all started the Friday before last. I got a phone call as I was packing to go home as usual for my weekend leave. It was a local hospital, QA in Portsmouth, informing me I have an operation on Monday because there was a cancellation. It was an op on my teeth that I’d been waiting 6 months for, just a minor day case thing. I freaked. With Dad in Nigeria, mum would have to deal with me and she is quite unstable at the moment. But I had no real choice but to go for as otherwise there might not be another date for ages. Thus I told the unit that I’d take a week off to recover. Monday came around and due to the chaos of the NHS; there were 5 theatre lists z\and no beds. Despite having been found a bed etc, my notes were missing. Then I missed my theatre slot, waited all afternoon just in case I could be fitted in and finally they admitted defeat at 6pm when I was sent home. It was a total waste of time and I missed a day of the program at the unit. I got back there on Tuesday, and when I shared with the group what had happened, the nurse said I was clearly very angry and the anger I had with QA was now going to be played out on the staff. I hadn’t even done anything!<br> But, I walked into a massive nightmare. 2 other residents had been given their diagnosis – borderline personality disorder. They were in serious melt down and so I had no chance. I was angry … but they way QA treated me was not the real reason. The truth was much deeper. I was told off for saying things like ‘how do you expect me to behave, I’m a borderline?’ K said it was an excuse, but now she’s a borderline too, she isn’t so smug. I swear, because she didn’t have a diagnosis, she thought she was better than us borderlines. Now she is bought down to our level. I think that I can accept being a borderline because it was a relief for me; I wasn’t a bad person, just ill. But now, I wonder if I am bad and that I behave in order to fit the criteria so I have an excuse. I don’t know, I don’t seem to have that much control over my behaviour most of the time now but may be that is the truth I have been dodging for far too long. I am bad, I am being punished and I deserve this inhumane treatment at the unit.<br> I have tried so hard to be what they want me to be. I so thought I was getting the hang of it all. But by Thursday, I was on my way home from the unit in disgrace.</p> <p>This time, I do not feel sorry, so it is not as bad. I have felt rejected and unwanted, and that there is this fundamental badness in me that no one wants to be around. I don’t know what I want to do, be who they want or be me? I feel like I am losing my identity at the unit and I do not like what I am becoming with them. Some self aware, over-analysed, smug bitch. May be that is why I cannot take their rules? (In my defence, I did ask one of the staff to look at my cut before I took the stitches out because it was infected and painful. They didn’t bother.) </p> <p>Everyone around me is hugely disappointed. Mum, Dad, my care co-ordinator … My sister is still not acknowledging my existence and has walked out of home because she thinks mum and dad are on my ‘side’. She hates me so much. I don’t blame her, but I am terribly hurt. </p> <p>So, there you go. Bet you are all either annoyed or disappointed with me too. This great chance to get well and I waste it.</p> <p>If it any consolation, I probably hate myself far more than anyone else can.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2007/06/12/opps_i_did_it_again_back_on_the_naughty_~2440614/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2007/06/12/opps_i_did_it_again_back_on_the_naughty_~2440614/#commentshttp://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2007/05/27/what_a_difference_a_few_weeks_makes~2345403/tag:basketcase.blog.co.uk,2007-05-27:/2007/05/27/what_a_difference_a_few_weeks_makes~2345403/Sun, 27 May 2007 22:44:53 +0200 <p>First, a little explanation about my last couple of weeks:<br> I had intended to post on my birthday, and I did log on but I wrote a long entry, thought about viewing a few other people's blogs etc and then my parents computer (which I was borrowing as I had gone home for the big occasion - and also to stay safe as I cannot harm in any way at their house) decided to lose the lot. I was so pissed off that I couldn't be arsed to write again!!! I am so sorry to not have been around but ... life has been very hectic.</p> <p>Since my return to the unit, I have changed a great deal and am finally making some sort of progress. I think I needed to remember how pants my life is/was at home and on my own and that has spured my on to try really hard to get better. I am still very fearful all the time at the unit as one foot out of line, and it is back to the naughty step. I never want to feel as despairing and lonely and unwanted as I did that night they threw me out, ever again ... so I am 'going with the flow' as they say!<br> I am letting them do the dressings their way, and I have to say they were right, and my legs are so much better, that all the pain and discomfort has been worth it (I HATE to admit this though!!)<br> I am attending more of the groups each week. I don't feel comfortable in all of them and it is a real challenge to be working this hard all the time. Each day is so full and emotionally tiring, that I have very little time to myself. I do have a lot to think about. Each group raises different issues. For example, our task (ie. Homework) from 'coping skills' is to do one pleasurable thing for ourselevs each day. You have no idea how hard it is to do something nice for yourself when you think you are evil and don't deserve it. I could only manage 3 days!!(and one of those was a bruger king meal so I not sure if that was pleasurable or almost self harm because it was not giving myself good nutrition - trust me, the definition of what is self harm is actually very hard to find at times, so much of everyday life can be self harming ...)<br> I have managed to overcome some of my fears and on 2 occassions I have shared my art and writing in groups. We have art on a tuesday and I have issues with drawing etc. At school I was shown up to be useless at art and so the very idea of drawing emotions and feelings is that much harder. But even so, I also have this feeling that everything I do is such pants, I destroy it straight after I do it, so I have challenged this behaviour. I did a picture of 'myself as an animal' - a killer squirrel (with big pointy teeth - like the rabbit in Holy Grail). I showed the group and they very all so supportive, that I will try to share more often. The same kind of thing happenned in writing on thursdays - we have 3 topics to choose from and about 1/2 an hour to write about them. It is then time to read them out - if you like. For the first time, I read out my piece about a picture the occcupational therapist bought in as inspiration - which was of the Anthony Gormley sculptures of men on the beach. I wrote about how you couldn't tell if they were coming in from the sea or going out. In reading it out, I got a sense of how profoundly depressed I am feeling and so I think if I can just overcome the urge to rip it up, then I can learn a lot from my work. And the staff and other residents can get to know more of me this way as well.<br> Sharing your inner most feelings like this makes you very vulnerable but giving people an insight into your world and the idea that you can get rid of feelings by writing or drawing is a good option - self harm is about getting rid of feelings by hurting yourself, so other methods that do not damage you, can be very helpful. It's quite a change of persepctive to think that maybe, just may be, you do not need to cut to feel better, that there is another way ...<br> It doesn't always work and there are times when the feelings are just too big, run too deep and then cutting if the only answer still. But that's ok. The unit does not actually ask you to stop cutting, just to try and live differently and see if that makes you cut less. Not judging you for resorting to such an extreme coping method. Actually, if you look at what has led all of us in the unit to this point in our lives where self harm is so bad and out of control, the abuse and bad memories we all carry make self harm a fairly resonable response. I still find it very hard to sit in groups and listen to all the awful things that have happenned to everyone. I see 5 prettty, lovely young women and then see all they have been through, and it is so sad. Sometimes I get this awful sense that the world is a horrible place and I question whether I want to be any part of it. But I have chosen to try and live so it means that a key part of my journey at the unit will be finding out the answer to that ... finding where I fit in the world.<br> I do not think that these struggles are unique to me or any of us who self harm, everyone has these doubts. That is another thing that has struck me in the unit, how normal we have made these terrible things we do to ourselves. And that scares me more than anything, after all this, how do I find my way back to the non-hospital world?<br> I have acheived 2 months, 1/3 of my time at the unit and I have changed a geat deal already. I am now actaully hoping that I can get well, (some of the time!!!!)<br> My mother and father are so supportuive and are tryihg so hard not to hope too much, but I know that even these little changes are giving them so much hope as well. As much as I inflict my issues on others by self harming, the fact I am geting bettter, is also deeply affecting those around me. Amazing really.<br> I go back tomorrow as it is a bank holiday. I have a now-familiar feeling of wanting to stay at home but also wanting to go back. It's the same every week! But I no longer question the method as I am already reaping the benefits ... I know, about bloody time!!!! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2007/05/27/what_a_difference_a_few_weeks_makes~2345403/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2007/05/27/what_a_difference_a_few_weeks_makes~2345403/#commentshttp://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2007/05/02/on_the_naughty_step~2199495/tag:basketcase.blog.co.uk,2007-05-02:/2007/05/02/on_the_naughty_step~2199495/Wed, 02 May 2007 21:29:12 +0200 <p>Here goes:</p> <p>I have been asked to leave the unit for a week until 7/5. I have been home since last Thursday. It was entirely my fault and I am feeling awful now - I have not blogged because I feel I have let you all down and also because I took an overdose on Friday and have only just got out of hospital.</p> <p>It all started on Wednesday. Some dressings arrived for my legs that had been ordered 2 weeks ago by the wound care nurse. It was the dreaded compression bandages. For those of you who don't know about this, compression is a very unpleasant method of wound care. It can speed up the healing process but the cost is that the dressings are hideous, hot, itchy and revolting. If they are not put on properly, they can be excruciatingly painful and I had such a bad experience of someone cutting off the blood supply to my foot which really hurt, I refused the dressings.<br> D, the nurse concerned first of all did not turn up when the care plan said she would, which meant I had got out of bed an hour early for no reason. Later on, during free time, she demanded I have them done by her. Ok, I still tried to be pleasant etc. But then she said she was doing compression. I refused out right and she got all angry and said I would be sent home for refusing care. I said fine. And we left it at that. later on, I had 'negotiation' with her but she refused to talk about the dressings saying that she wanted to hear how I was feeling psychologically. I then asked when exactly I could discuss this whole dressings issue because it needed sorting. She didn't answer me. In the afternoon my named nurse, J, had a 'planned meeting' with me. This is longer 1:1 time to discuss really difficult issues. I once again tried to sort out the dressing’s thing and she said I had to talk about the hard stuff. She was kind but what I had to tell her was awful stuff form my past that I have tried to hide for over 14 years. It was very hard and I was so upset, I was sick afterwards and had to go off by myself.<br> Thursday. I could not even look at J after telling her that stuff because I was so ashamed but then she said I had to have my dressings done. So J, another nurse, S and me got stuck into this battle over compression. Even though I was screaming and crying, they still did the compression. I lost it. What with the feelings over the meeting on Wednesday and then all this physical pain, I just lost it. I thumped my legs, screamed at the staff and then stormed off to my room. I angrily hit and punched my bed, the floor ... anything to feel better. I then cut, badly, and finally began to calm down. I knew I was skating on thin ice but I just couldn't control myself. I went to lunch in a big jumper, so the others couldn't see what I'd done and then I reported my self harm. I got completely told off for having gone to lunch and finally, after all this, the duty doctor came to stitch me and I refused him. I wanted A&E as I knew he was not that well trained and I just wanted off the unit for a bit. That was my final, fatal mistake. I returned at 8pm and was handed my leave document (which I went away and set fire to). I felt so unwanted and upset; I left immediately, packing everything so that I would never have to go back there ever again. I got the last train back to Chichester, getting in at 12.20am. I was all alone, it was cold and on the station, I sat there debating whether to jump in front of the next train. I finally got a taxi home and slept.<br> On Friday, I knew I left suicidal. I phoned my family and everyone was very cross with me for being thrown out and mum and dad had no idea what to say to me, so I then tried my GP and mental health team. I also got my legs dressed by my practice nurse. By the afternoon, all I had were appointments for next (this) week and some diazepam. Unsurprisingly, by 3am, I felt so awful, I took all my anti depressants and sleeping pills. A while later, I got scared as I began to feel really ill and I called someone to help me. She called an ambulance and that is the last thing I remember before I woke up Saturday afternoon on a cardiac care unit and feeling horrendous. My parents were informed but could not bear to look at me and my sister was quoted as saying she was not going to acknowledge my existence as I had been so selfish. I spent all weekend until Monday night, in hospital slowly dealing with the physical after affects from the drugs but there was no permanent damage done. I just feel asleep basically. I got home after seeing the psychiatric SHO and the crisis team. I didn’t want admission so I am now under their care at home. I have a 24/7 number to talk to someone and I see someone from the team everyday. </p> <p>Not good. Not good at all. It is all over a bandage. I lost my temper because of a bandage. I feel very sorry but also very angry. No one has agreed on the right treatment for my legs. Since I got back, all the nurses from the hospital and at the GP have differing opinions and are not doing compression because in their eyes, I must have some tests on my circulation first but London do not bother , so I have all these different treatment opinions and I am left in the middle. </p> <p>No one from the unit has bothered to text, I think they are probably glad I am not there. I managed a month. My practise nurse, K, said they (at the surgery) were going to take bets on how long I’d last! She was so cross with me and really rude when I saw her. I guess she hasn’t missed me either and was put out to have me back this week.</p> <p>Mum has finally calmed down and is now speaking to me but my father is too disappointed in me to face me. My sister is unmoving in her fury. I can’t face my friends. I’m just so emotional; I just wallow at home and wish the OD had worked.</p> <p>I will go back. No matter how much I fear seeing the staff, I must go back. I am better there and there is nothing for me here. It is the only way I can fix my relationships with my parents and sister, the only way I can make them proud of me instead of disappointed. The other residents will just have to put up with me but I will try harder to behave and be the Sian they want. Not the evil Sian I actually am.</p> <p>I am so sorry.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2007/05/02/on_the_naughty_step~2199495/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2007/05/02/on_the_naughty_step~2199495/#commentshttp://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2007/04/22/just_a_quick_post~2137592/tag:basketcase.blog.co.uk,2007-04-22:/2007/04/22/just_a_quick_post~2137592/Sun, 22 Apr 2007 12:51:49 +0200 <p>I am on my way back to the unit after another weekend at home.</p> <p>I apologised to E and she was so kind in group, it seems that talking it through and confronting the issue, no matter how hard, is a good way of dealing with things instead of just running away. It took a lot of courage and I hope that the time at the unit does not include too many more wobbles like that. I had to cut to calm down enough to get on the train but that still meant I went back. E is lovely, just very quiet and so closed down about her feelings that so often her views get trampled on because she rarely voices an opinion. She is learning different ways of doing that now and I respect her courage at facing her demons, as we all do.</p> <p>The highlight of the week has to have been all of us taking one look at the slop we were served for lunch on tuesday, and pushing off down the pub for real food!! The nurses were furious and we all got closely observed for signs of alcohol. But we really bonded as a group and I had some fun for a change.</p> <p>It has been challenging in so many ways and I am getting better at compromise and understanding why I think and behave the way I do. It sems that in one month, I have finally found my feet and worked out timings and practical stuff, but also got an idea about what the main issues are for me. I start scheduled 1:1's this wednesday which will focus on one particular issue from my past that I have not talked about much and it keeps coming up in groups and so I need to deal with the memories and move on. The 1:1's are an hour or so and are with your named nurse. I hope I can make the most of them. I am aware that 6 months both seems forever and not long enough.Its wierd, I get this urgency to talk about everything because there is so little time and then some groups seem to go on forever!!.</p> <p>I am so tired and the pace is relentless but I know this is the best chance I will ever have to change. And change, I must. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2007/04/22/just_a_quick_post~2137592/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2007/04/22/just_a_quick_post~2137592/#commentshttp://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2007/04/14/first_real_wobble~2092755/tag:basketcase.blog.co.uk,2007-04-14:/2007/04/14/first_real_wobble~2092755/Sat, 14 Apr 2007 22:31:51 +0200 <p>I am so upset about the unit and everything that I have to write a difficult post because I feel like I am going to explode with all the swirling emotions I have. (you are warned, I am in a very self-pitying mood)</p> <p>I thought I had tried so hard to be nice to the other residents in the unit. I know my anger scared them and I worked really hard to control it. It reminded them of past abuse and I felt bad about that. I had to cut to control my feelings but it worked and I felt I had calmed down sucessfully. I was wrong. In group on thursday, the other residents were encouraged by the nurses to tell me how I had impacted on the group. E told me that I had been disrespectful to her and made her feel scared, intimidated and angry that I did not take her feelings into account one time. I couldn't even remember what I had done. She got so angry with me and said that it was an incident when we were talking about how hard it was to be there. I got cross that she said the same trite stuff that everyone had been telling me and I had just had enough of their attitude. I never meant to hurt her, she was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. But I was so upset in group for how awful I had been and that I had not even realised what I had done. I apologised and burst in to tears which turned into sobs and I was so upset. The nurses said I had set myself out to be unpopular. They looked very smug at my reaction. I threw up straight after the group and I walked out. I have been home ever since. I do not know how to face the others. No one from the unit has been in contact, just my care co ordinator and my psychologist. They both say I have to return and talk to E more in group to fix this. I have not done anything that bad and if people get to know me, I am not a threat in any way except to myself. I would be foolish to give in so soon. My mother and father are furious with me. I have let them down and feel awful.</p> <p>Add to that the other things going on for me at the moment, and I am beyond.<br> It is Gemma's anniversary on tuesday - 2 years since she committed suicide.<br> I have no money as my student loans have been stopped. I have calculated I have £25 to live on each week excluding bills. This is impossible.<br> My sister has been accepted onto the BA cabin crew training program - I am very pleased for her and so proud but I feel even more of a failure in comparison (trust me to turn it into something about me, I am so very selfish).<br> I am 30 in a matter of weeks and I have never EVER thought I'd make it this far and I so do not want to be thirty, I have nothing in life that normal 30 year olds have like a career, a relationship, a house of their own, children ... I have nothing. No money, a crappy council flat I hate, not even a degree and I am fat, scarred and disgusting.</p> <p>All in all a severe case of self pity.<br> I do not want to go back to the unit yet in my heart of hearts, I know I have to if I am to do anything about this situation i have landed in. If I truly care for my parents, then I have to have the courage to keep going. I just do not want to. I wish so much I was dead and then life could carry on and I could stop hurting people. I am such a horrible person. I hate myself and I cannot take much more of this.<br> *crying* </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2007/04/14/first_real_wobble~2092755/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2007/04/14/first_real_wobble~2092755/#commentshttp://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2007/04/08/first_two_weeks~2055583/tag:basketcase.blog.co.uk,2007-04-08:/2007/04/08/first_two_weeks~2055583/Sun, 08 Apr 2007 20:17:03 +0200 <p>So I have survived the first 2 weeks.</p> <p>It has been so hard. Everyday I am confronted by some aspect of my behaviour or lifestyle that I have get wrong. I now realise the full extent of the trouble I am in and how physically and psychologically I am a wreak.</p> <p>But along with all the arguments and tears, there have been moments of total laughter and fun. The other residents are amazing. 5 aspects of me - all the comments they make show me a great deal about me. I love them already and feel very protective towards them as they are such vulnerable people that have been hurt so much by life.</p> <p>I am conronted every day about how I have messed up, physically, psychologically and socially.<br> How has it come to this? How have I failed so badly that I have to go through this pain and torture? Why am I beholden to these people?</p> <p>It makes me so angry and that anger has been out of control at the unit. I have raged at all the stafff and been such a nightmare to live with, that I had to cut in order to regain control. I have cut twice and I am very disappointed with myself for giving in so soon but the pressure that I am under is too much.</p> <p>I wanted to take a week off and think very hard about how I can get my head around doing this for the next 6 months. But I asked my parents and my father said he was very disappointed in me giving up so easily. I was letting everyone down. I couldn't do that to them so I will go back tomorrow as I should. Bu t my heart hruts so much.</p> <p>There is so much pain in our lives, all of us at the unit are in constant turmoil (bad spelling - sorry). The world ceases to exist in there. There is no time for news or current events. it is just groups, negociations (their stupid word for 1:1 therapy - there is nothing negociable about it and I refuse to say the word but if I want to talk, I have to play along .... it does my head in) and meds. I am ashamed to realise that I didn't even know about the service personel held hostage in Iran - how bad is that?</p> <p>I don't want to do this, but I do want to get better or at least try. I cannot commit suicide until I have tried everything but doing this may kill my spirit and make me into this robot programmed to behave as society dictated. Is that living? I don't know. But I am babbling. I just wish I wasn't so useless and pathetic.</p> <p>How did it come to this?<br> (and how am I going to fix it?) </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2007/04/08/first_two_weeks~2055583/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2007/04/08/first_two_weeks~2055583/#commentshttp://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2007/03/25/so_long_farewell~1973901/tag:basketcase.blog.co.uk,2007-03-25:/2007/03/25/so_long_farewell~1973901/Sun, 25 Mar 2007 19:40:59 +0200 <p>So, this is it ... I leave for the unit tomorrow. My parents are reluctantly driving me there - I have drugs in order to calm down and get there. the way I am feeling now, I am going to need them! I am pertrified. I face daily character assassination, restrictions and rules about everything and group therapy. I hate group therapy. I don't like other people knowing all about me and what I am like inside. Its so hard on a deeper level, the idea of being something other than a self harmer and not having cutting as my way of dealing with everyday life is on the one hand, very liberating but one the other, I am worried about what is left. I have cut and cut and CUT to the point where I have hardly any skin left, and I ever situation in life where I feel upset or angry or sad or lonely, I cut.<br> So what do I want to do right now? Cut! I know that I will not last the night without a release of all this fear and worry.<br> If I don't do it anymore and give up cutting, what do I do instead? And if I am not harming so much, will I have nothing in my life and just be home alone? At least now I have appointments to keep going to - yes, they are not a life but they keep me in contact with people? Does that mean I just cut for attention? How bad is that? But if I don't get better, what then? I cannot keep going this way. I have had enough of being in such a mess but how do I become a better person in a hospital unit that is not real life? my family are still hard work and my memories still hurt me so much that I would prefer to die at times - how can talking therapy take all that away?<br> AAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHHH! *screams in frustration*</p> <p>I have been shocked by the reactions of people to me leaving. Most people are kind and mean well but I know that I will be forgotten. The hospital staff have been amazingly kind. My favourite nurse, N has been a constant support and has given me a hospital 'survival kit' - I never expected that and I am really touched by such kindness. Yet my best friends have no time to even see me this week. I have to think very carefully about who really is a friend and who to trust. There are only a few people I will actually miss really, everyone else takes so much enegry in pretending that I'm fine, that it is a relief not to have to see them for a while. How selfish is that? </p> <p>So, I will keep this going, I do have time on leave at variuos times, like Easter so I will be back.<br> I have really enjoyed blogging and still find it amazing anyone bothers to read this bollocks, but it means such a lot that you do. It has helped me (except when I lost a post I'd written but not saved, and nearly launched the computer out of the window!!!!)</p> <p>Thank you </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2007/03/25/so_long_farewell~1973901/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2007/03/25/so_long_farewell~1973901/#commentshttp://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2007/03/09/mad_world~1872443/tag:basketcase.blog.co.uk,2007-03-09:/2007/03/09/mad_world~1872443/Fri, 09 Mar 2007 01:09:47 +0100 <p>I am facing another trip to A&E. Its midnight and I desperately wish I could go to bed. I have had enough of today and have so much to do tomorrow but I have to get this cut dealt with because I am in pain and I can't close it myself.</p> <p>I am istening to the song 'Mad world' from Donnie Darko. Its sad and melencoly which suits how I feel right now. I am crying because I hate being like this and still cutting. I am on my own again and I just wish I could run away. I have had such a bad day. Nothing feels right at the moment and there was no alternative but to cut. My flat is a mess and I have no energy or motivation to sort it out. </p> <p>I am now facing another night in the waiting room. Its not good and I have had enough. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2007/03/09/mad_world~1872443/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2007/03/09/mad_world~1872443/#commentshttp://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2007/03/04/skittles_a_way_to_tell_your_ideal_partne~1845447/tag:basketcase.blog.co.uk,2007-03-04:/2007/03/04/skittles_a_way_to_tell_your_ideal_partne~1845447/Sun, 04 Mar 2007 17:33:37 +0100 <p>It has just occurred to me as I am munching a bag of skittles, that this could be the key to working out your true love. I hvae issues with orange ones and I am a big fan of green ones, if I could find a partner who hates green ones but loves orange ones - we could always share skittles and this could be the basis for true love!</p> <p>Ok, may be a bit far-fetched and I am probably not the first person to wonder about this, but it made me think ...</p> <p>Life has certainly been busy since I last wrote. I have been out at uni, finishing off the endless forms and informing all my tutors. I still have to return my library books but I can't find them all. I think I had better have a good look under the bed (reading in bed - big fav occupation thus many books end up under my bed, never to see the light of day again) and down the back of my desk. I have over 25 books out of 3 libraries in the area (uni, chichcester and portsmouth). The fines could be enormous but will phone to check tomorrow. I am a bit of a sad case when I comes to libraries - I love looking at books and choosing news ones - I have to visit a number of key shelf marks (616.585 for example - psychology and self harm) and then just browse around the fiction section. I particularly love the teen fiction bit - the stories are shorter and so much funier. I love all the Meg Cabot stuff and Jean Ure, but I love any books except horror/thrillers. I read claire reiner, Maeve Binchey, Kathy Reichs, Karen Slaughter, ... My book at the momoent is 'Rachel's Holiday' by Marian Keyes. I am re-reading it for the nth time because it is so moving and I need preparation for group therapy and stuff like that so I can cope in London. I see books as both an excape from life and manuals for life. Like they take me to another world but sometimes teach me important stuff about relationships and other people's perspectives. Where I am alone a lot and always have been, books guide me more than friends because I don't tell people much about what is really going on nor do I ask for advice, I much prefer working it out for myself with the aid of a book. Its less embarassing that way. I think if people really knew how much I don't understand about the world, they would think me very strange.</p> <p>I'm a bit upset that my book club has folded due to lack of interest. My friends are too busy and have not even read the book, and then decided that meeting up was too hard as well. I don't really blame them, one has a new baby, a few are teachers ... I don't mind too much about today as I was dreading getting the train and bus to my friend's house but I guess I am the only one who was totally into it as I had the most time on my hands. I liked the company as well though, it was nice to all meet up. May be in the summer people might have mroe time and we can try again. I will be in london then. Its hard to know what sort of a state I will be in each weekend - will I be up for socialising? Will I be too upset to do anything? I am so scared. What are they going to do to me? Everyone keeps telling me how much I can cange and what thrills life holds in store for me. But all I see is pain and suffering. I have a few moments of pure joy, like watching a sunset or listening to great music live, but it is not worth the struggle all the time. I swing one way then the other ... I am totally torn on whether I want to live or die, get better or give up all together.<br> At least my father has got better and mum is not so emotional about it all. </p> <p>Yet I still want to cut myself. Why can I not stop myself? Why are the scars, the pain, the hurt I am causing other people, not good enough reasons to stop? If I truly care about my family, that would be enough, wouldn't it? I hate that I am such a hypocrite. I say I'll do anything for my family and yet the one thing I could do, giving up, I can't or wont do. I hate this, hate this ... HATE THIS. I know what I am going to do is wrong and I am so sorry but I cannot be stopped right now. So I do need these psycho-bastards in the unit, I do need their help and if I have to jump through even more hoops, then I will because there is no other way. But I am so tired of it all ... </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2007/03/04/skittles_a_way_to_tell_your_ideal_partne~1845447/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://basketcase.blog.co.uk/2007/03/04/skittles_a_way_to_tell_your_ideal_partne~1845447/#comments