Care in the community

In response to:A quiet afternoon ...

Mon, 11 May 2009 20:43:24 +0200

I'm a day or so early I know but I want to maximise the chance of your getting this around the right time...

Happy Birthday, Sian!!!

Don't think of it as unlikely. Believe!

Still hoping for you....
Love
Ann

In response to:Warning: Drunken ramble ...

Sun, 27 Apr 2008 21:36:34 +0200

You know that odd little life fact that means the more you look forward to a party the less you enjoy it, while the event that just happens is fantastic? I think it's anti-climax or maybe our brains just max out. You psyched yourself up for your talk, did all the prep, delivered brilliantly and then... splat!
It is partly the tension snapping after the important must-do was achieved (which would happen to all of us) but you, Sian, need to punish yourself for presuming to succeed. You are, though, as entitled to a triumph as anyone else.
You maybe made a mistake in not lining up somebody with whom to have a bit of a celebration - something small, parents are ideal, people who will say 'well done' and enjoy your success with you. Things cannot be in a vacuum and I know this well at present having so recently lost my mum and two other relatives who would have provided my back pats.
Sometimes the biggest thing we can do for other people is to need them. Again, I know this because I no longer have my mum to need me and I find that hard. So don't regret too much that you need your family and others: perhaps you do worry them but it is better for them to have you to care for.
You cannot get into the habit of drinking alone. I don't mean one drink on the odd occasion but regular sessions of more-than-one. Alcohol is a depressant and you do not need that.
I assume that you have ended your relationship with A. You had to do so under the circumstances. Please don't soak up all the blame for everything that goes wrong. You're not even fair about it! After all, you don't take credit for all the good things. You no doubt generate a bit of everything like all of us.
I'd like you to make two lists: firstly, one of everyone who loves you (and I mean in the broadest sense so, on here, there's me at least) and that does include your sister and, secondly, one of anybody who has genuine cause to wish you did not exist. And I'll tell you now that, if you do it honestly, you'll be hard-pressed to get a name on that second list. Keep the first list and stick it to your fridge door.
On practical matters, why have your care team been unavailable? Can you make an appointment or get them to visit. I don't think your treatment should just drift.
Humanity is a mixed bag and there is a sprinkling of bad 'uns, it's true. But wouldn't God have spared an entire wicked town if just one good person had been found in it? Plainly we aren't up to his high standards of forgiveness but we have to try. Don't be too disappointed in us all Sian: there are lots of people trying hard, including you. The world indeed has ills but you did not cause them and they do not outweigh the good stuff.
Of course you have a reason to be scared. Apart from the physical consideration of having been attacked you also think you are staring into the void. I hope you soon heal and let hope revive in you.
You have mentioned a love of music previously but I cannot remember if you are in a choir.
I have to go...my cat demands his dinner. A small consideration comparatively but he is making himself very noticeable.
I wish you contentment.
Goodbye for now.
Sleep tight.
AB
x

In response to:A quiet afternoon ...

Tue, 22 Apr 2008 23:21:36 +0200

Thank you. Can't believe you care so much. Time for another boring installment!!!! X

In response to:A quiet afternoon ...

Tue, 22 Apr 2008 23:18:02 +0200

Not sure yet, I am just writing whatever is in my head!!! I don't expect an audience ... just something to do for now!

In response to:A quiet afternoon ...

Fri, 18 Apr 2008 23:01:14 +0200

I haven't visited for a while: laziness and a bit of minor illness and being tired.
You sound much better and I am glad of that. You know, we all have to rely on other people in some ways and it is no failing on your part to need your family. I hope you have told them everything because it would make many things clear for them.
I'm not going to bend your ear for ages as you must get fed up with it. It's a good thing that you have formed these supportive friendships with people you met at the unit. It must be just as helpful for them.
The book should be cathartic as long as you don't let it turn into a stick to beat yourself with - just remember that you don't have to do it and, if you get cheesed off and decide not to continue, that is your choice.
Have a good weekend Sian, maybe take a tour round a couple more DVDs.
AB

In response to:A quiet afternoon ...

Tue, 08 Apr 2008 16:05:20 +0200

What is your book about?

In response to:Calmer now

Tue, 01 Apr 2008 22:13:45 +0200

This all sounds like progress. I am so glad you have found a chink of light. Once you mentioned what had happened to you I just knew it was at the root of everything - and then another attack seemed to spark a crisis. How could it not? Nobody could have these experiences and walk away scot free. I know we'd all react differently but we'd certainly react.
Your volunteering idea sounds good. It's a different kind of involvement. You'll have to spend some time stroking any cats that turn up: you know what they say about its effect on stress!
I get the impression you have got a bit closer to your family and that also must be good for you. We all need to be attached somewhere.
It all goes to show how important it is to get the right people involved. Unfortunately it's not easy to find out who they are and then meet them.
Anyway you seem to be on the upswing and I hope it continues. Keep going, Sian, we're all behind you.
Many hugs!!
AB
x

In response to:Calmer now

Sun, 30 Mar 2008 00:28:15 +0100

Its good to cry, glad you found some help. Remember, small steps are the best ones {{{{hugs))))

In response to:Crisis, what crisis?

Fri, 21 Mar 2008 21:08:37 +0100

The thing that mystifies me is why no connection is made between what happened to you and the way you are. I wasn't sure if you told anybody about the assault. I rather gathered that you may have been intimidated out of it and, if that's the case, it seems to me that the people caring for you should be more observant and try to assess whether things have changed before jumping down your throat. If you did tell them explicitly then it is even more appalling.

All this fear, these night terrors - not really so surprising if you have been attacked, especially if you have to continue going near the place where it happened in the course of daily life. It is plain that it will haunt you and you will take time to heal when it is being thrown in your face. It is just a few weeks. Additionally it will have stirred up memories of the earlier and, I assume, much more serious attack.

Are you even sure you are psychotic? Your reactions seem perfectly reasonable under the circumstances.

This time I think your parents really have to know. I realise that you think you cause them a lot of worry but, trust me, they'll worry more if they can sense things are going on but you are covering up.

I understand that it is hard to stand in front of them and recite it all, so write them a letter. It doesn't have to be detailed...
Dear Mum and Dad, I tried to tell you what was wrong but could not find words and also want to spare you more pain but I cannot do this alone. A few weeks ago I was assaulted and I cannot get over the fear it caused. I'm scared all the time and everyone just thinks I am making a fuss. What makes it worse is that it has brought back a previous attack and it was because of that I got ill in the first place. I cannot get through to the medics and so they don't do much and don't care. Please help. Love from Sian.
... Or something similar.

Being attacked is not your fault. I pray you feel no responsibility for it and certainly no shame if it was sexual. Evil acts are always wholly the crime of the perpetrator and never any fault of the victim. Your misdeeds are your own and, by the same token, other people's are their own: you are not entitled to feel guilt or shame for the actions of your contemporaries, those who went before you or those who will come after. Let others carry their own cans. Dear God, don't say it was someone you know!

I think you need to make a call to the rape crisis people and tell them everything from the first attack onwards. Maybe they'll support you through this and help you with the doctors, nurses and so on. You need backup.

Sian, I was so cross that I almost telephoned your hospital to locate the team and give them a tongue-lashing. Fortunately it's a bank holiday and they wouldn't be there so I have had time to cool down and spare you that embarrassment.

Get a deadlock and chain fitted to your front-door if you have not already. Maybe your dad would help - he would probably like to DO something, even if it is the arranging. I have a vague idea that you sorted something when you moved in, unless I am thinking of your other flat, but do check if there are any other measures you can take that will make you feel more secure - at least when you are at home. Some good restful sleep would be invaluable and it's more likely to happen if you can relax and wind down.

I so hope that things look up for you soon. You did seem to be, if not turning the corner, at least in sight of it and this has hurt you badly and maybe set you back. All is not lost though because you have had a taste of the way out and do now know that it exists.

AB
x

In response to:Crisis, what crisis?

Fri, 21 Mar 2008 10:07:27 +0100

Sounds a lot like my friends experience. She only got help when she really narly did kill herself and then it only lasted for two weeks.

FOcus on the future it will get better, eventually.

In response to:What happenned to February?

Sun, 09 Mar 2008 01:06:32 +0100

Mostly it seems you are doing brilliantly. Your degree and interactions at university, the (not inconsiderable) achievement of finding some new clothes you like and your anticipation about your weekend.
Presentations are horrible so it is good that you pulled that off well. I bet you felt some euphoria when it was over! Well done on that.
You made me chuckle when I read about the shops and clothes so thanks for that: I am always grateful for a cheer-up. I'm glad you liked the clip I posted as well - it was fun, did you go aaaaaah as well at the end?
Funnily enough I am writing at about 23:15 on Saturday evening so, if you are at your gig, you are not far away. I expect your hotel must be fairly near to Brixton Academy as well as you'll be trying to get back there lateish. It's years (lots of them!) since I went to anything like that - not surprisingly, you might think since I'll be 60 later this year, and I can't even remember who performed. In my time I saw the Beatles, Stones, Jimi Hendrix, Pips and so on: nothing unusual or hard. I recall that I did see the Scaffold once but that was as different as it got. I don't tend to go for anything political because it makes me nervous and anyway I despise politicians, even amateurs - it was a theme in my blog at one time.
I'm sorry to hear about the sad underside to your good news. I know how hard it must have been to have no contact on Mothering Sunday because I struggled too: this was my first one since losing my mum and it hurt. The rift with your sister cannot help much. Awkward things, sisters, sometimes: they know they have rights and priveleges that nobody else has. She may think she has a grievance but that should not stop you talking to your parents. Next time, phone when you want: there are three possibilities. (1) a parent answers - no problem. (2) your sister answers and seems frosty - just say hello and ask for your mum. (3) your sister answers and does not seem hostile - tell her you miss her, be briefly pleasant and warm then ask for your mum. I know it's not that easy.
I don't find it surprising that the harming is still going on. I think you have confronted the root of all this when you said what happened to you and it is suddenly centre-stage. The therapies so far have probably brought it to the surface. You mentioned that your psychologist did not want to pursue it yet and I assume that is still the case. Well, she is the professional and these things must go their proper way. However, I think that is where the key lies for you and, when you have been able to work through it, you will get some kind of resolution that brings you peace.
Life is tenacious and yours obviously has a good firm grip on you. Also, you ended on a positive note: you cut less and you KNOW you cut less. This is progress, isn't it?
Hope you enjoy the gig. Keep up the good work.
AB
x

In response to:What happenned to February?

Fri, 07 Mar 2008 11:40:12 +0100

Sounds like you're doing really, really well. x

In response to:Waiting around ...

Tue, 04 Mar 2008 23:35:37 +0100

Hi Sian... have only just caught your post.

Sorry to hear about the situation at University. Are there any social groups you can join or is that what you are already talking about? I just wonder if it might be easier to make contact in something like a film club or book reading group. Somehow I suspect everyone feels like you do.

I'm glad to hear that you got good results from the crisis team. This seems like an effective way to go in future. It's also useful that you have had feedback from other former residents of the unit who confirm what you have felt. Now you know you are not out of step and that should be reassuring.

You have been wondering where to go with your life. Do you think you may have found something? If your psychologist wants to set up locally something like the Unit, you are the one who knows all about it. Could you make this your life's work? It would mean training and study.

There's nothing wrong with doing nothing! Just enjoy it.

It comes to something when we have to congratulate each other on the possession of a working lavatory but, heck, these things loom large when they're not working.

Keep going, Sian. It must get easier.

AB
x

In response to:Waiting around ...

Wed, 27 Feb 2008 20:51:07 +0100

Keep plodding on Basket. Glad the crisis team was good, shame you can't have more regular input when you are unwell.

In response to:Waiting around ...

Tue, 26 Feb 2008 13:10:40 +0100

Toilet is fixed "for now" or permanently ?

We live in a council flat. One of the perks is that you dont pay for any maintenance issues whether its your windows, toilet, boiler, leaky roof ... but the negative is very similar to yours ... the maintenance contract people tend to bodge job things temporarily, only for them to break again a month later. Grrrrrrrrr !!!

Hope today at uni hasnt been as bad you thought it might be ... but you are right, staying at home permanently can get //really// boring (and that in turn can make all things worse) !!!

In response to:Struggling a bit ...

Mon, 18 Feb 2008 23:27:01 +0100

Oh Sian, I am so sorry that you have hit the wall like that. The strange thing is that you still sound more constructive than you used to do. I'm glad to hear that you have access to this group who can help you at home: it must be better to be in your own surroundings.
About your therapist - I'm a believer in expressing positive feelings because people are usually so pleased and that can change an entire atmosphere. Tell her how much she has helped you and, if it is so, acknowledge to her that you think it may not always have been easy but that you have benefitted from her efforts. It is flattering to be trusted. You can say that you hope to continue consulting her and she will either agree (setting your mind at rest) or not (and you will know where you stand.)
University and its work seem like a potential safety valve. Maybe concentrating on your backlog will be a bit of distraction. Either way, I feel you need to stick with it so there is another part of your life that is not all about hospitals etc.
Your friend from the Unit shows that it is not unknown to have more to do after leaving it. That was probably a useful thing for you to realise. I have now and then wondered if you thought you should have got it all sorted while in there. Really that would have been impossible: it was a break in time when you could start seeing things another way and just begin changing.
I harp on at you, making suggestions, but I do try to avoid telling you what to do (most of the time.) However I'm afraid that I do think you should stop seeing the man who uses cocaine. I can't think that it is good for you to be exposed to that and, like you say, he does not appear to be able to offer support or even comfort. Rather, he is a burden to you.
You have hinted at past traumas but I never picked up on the scale of them other than that you lost a friend. But a rape and pregnancy (which presumably ended somehow) is something else. I am mystfied that you do not seem to connect that with your later problems: it must have been partly, if not mostly, repsonsible. I'd have said that you desperately need to talk it through but your psychologist must know better so you'll have to go with that for now. At some point your problems must be seen in the context of everything that has happened to you if they are to be resolved completely. I hope at least that you are now fully aware that the rape was not your fault. It couldn't be, could it, if you think about it logically?
Anyway, I hope you are in less physical pain now. Make sure you have a bit of quiet time this week as well as catching up on essays. Sleep, too.
Goodnight, Sian...and sorry I did not catch you sooner but have been involved with yet another family funeral and not logging on much or for long.
AB
x

In response to:Back again!

Sat, 09 Feb 2008 00:13:12 +0100

Hello, Sian. I was rather worried about you when I got back on the computer and found that you have not been around. In some ways I am glad that you were not posting when I was not here to respond because, although I am a stranger, it might have mattered if you thought I was suddenly uninterested. Plainly it wouldn't have had the significance of a family member or 'seen' friend but, on here, different communities form and become important in their way. Having been through a lot of emotional upheaval lately I know only too well how much of a hair trigger one's mind can be on. I cried in the kitchen at work earlier in the week, which was horrid.

Anyway, onto the main stuff. I'm sorry you have been having a hard time but it appears different now. You almost seem to be running two threads through your life: the one that makes you the person who suffers and cuts and the one that is seeing you move forward and get back into life. Thread two has its problems, of course, but that is so for us all.

Thread one looks like an intensified version of your whole life before (and a bit during) the period at the Unit. I'd like to think it is the last flare of the flame: you know how, when a candle had burned down and is about to go out, the flame suddenly gets bigger and brighter for a moment before it's gone. Maybe your deep mind is resolving all these issues on some level and is sorting them for 'archive'. While it happens, you are getting a kickup from them but we have to hope that, once your mind has ordered them to its satisfaction, they will recede. They may always be unpleasant memories but maybe they can be resolved, and therefore quiet, ones.

Why can't you get freeview? Is it reception quality? Funnily enough, when I connected a freeview box to a television in a room where I could not get the old signal I got really good reception. I'm assuming that your set has a scart connection since you had freeview before.

Your personal access to 'outside' is important though. Just being able to get in and out as you like is a big step forward, not to mention removing rubbish from your liveing space. It can't have been pleasent having to put up with it until someone could help. Independence is a big thing.

I don't want to stir anything up but to some extent people probably were watching you, expecting things of you. You have been changing and people who care for you are concerned about you and interested in your progress. You're not alone in reacting: haven't we all glanced up and caught someone's eye and been tempted to bark at them for looking at us when it is very likely that they only happened to look in our direction at the same moment. I know that is simplistic as a comparison but I think it shows that we all indulge in a little near paranoia at times.

Be kind to yourself, Sian. Think of the things you do right, not always of the things you think you do wrong. Lord knows there are enough people indulging in calculated wickedness so leave the guilt to them: they're asking for it.

Getting back to your studies is so positive. Well done for that. It'll take some time to get into the group, unfortunately it's always so for all of us, like starting a new school. I expect change will be gradual and then you'll find you've been assimilated without realising. Try to spot someone whose usual friends are away and ask if they fancy a ten-minute coffee break. You'll make a contact and can exchange hellos on later occasions without feeling awkward.

I'm getting off to bed now so Goodnight to you. Keep writing. Oh, thank you for the message, it was lovely of you.

AB
x

In response to:Back again!

Tue, 05 Feb 2008 00:10:23 +0100

Good to hear that you are doing okay. :)

In response to:Decision made!

Tue, 25 Dec 2007 00:51:08 +0100

Hello there, Sian. I haven't been around much lately because of losing my mum and the followup from that plus a couple of health problems of my own but decided on a quick visit tonight. You haven't posted again so I am attaching a second reply here. I just wanted to say that I hope you are doing OK and that your move went well. If all went as planned you should now be living in your new (newly-decorated) flat and consequently able to get out and about a bit more easily. I do pray that it has added to your life in good ways.
Anyway, please have a merry Christmas and a happy new year in 2008... may it be the beginning of a new life for you.
Love
AB
x

In response to:Decision made!

Thu, 29 Nov 2007 09:57:58 +0100

You've got your own flat, well done you! Hope the move goes well! :yes:

In response to:Decision made!

Wed, 28 Nov 2007 18:40:54 +0100

I just found that you had posted and am having a quick read before going home. I'm glad you sound so good (because you do, actually.) And, yes, Homebase for arguments.... Not nearly as bad as Ikea though; my friend almost had a breakdown in there with the difficulty of it. She was still shaking on the Monday after her Saturday visit.
I think you are confronting your problems rather well. Maybe you haven't, for a while, and they are piled up so you have some mental sorting out to do. I think your psychologist has been a bit of a star, judging by what you say. You may have hung your hat on the 'borderline' description, or perhaps others did it for you. People can say it's only words but they can get into your head like maggots if you hear them often enough: then you start to fill the space they define.
You will always have an identity - that of Sian. I think I said this early on in our exchanges when I was concerned about your use of the 'basketcase' term. As long as you can see it with some humour it's OK but not otherwise. I am enjoying the sense of humour that is appearing in you so that bit of personality seems to be healing.
I have to get off home now but keep posting...
Ann
x

In response to:Decision made!

Wed, 28 Nov 2007 09:15:34 +0100

You sound very very busy and a LOT more positive. Good luck with the move. It is always stressful, for anyone. Glad you got help. I feel that sometimes I have been looked after. I had a bad year last year but this year it is so much beter because of it. I am in a safer position job wise, healthier and happier. OUt of all this will come somehing more than what you expected and it may move you on.

As for what to do with your life. Think simple and small. Do your best for others and enjoy what you can when you can.

In response to:Moving news ...

Tue, 27 Nov 2007 11:12:38 +0100

Thank you.
I hope that things improve for you at the moment. Will be praying for you and your family.
Thinking of you.
Lvoe,
SianX

In response to:Moving news ...

Tue, 27 Nov 2007 11:11:03 +0100

Thank you for your kind words, they mean such a lot to me.
I have decided to move, will post about it all later but a pro's and con's list helped a lot, good suggestion!

You don't lecture me at all, I am still surprised people are reading and commenting on what I say - you are so kind.
All good wishes and much love,
SianX

In response to:Moving news ...

Tue, 27 Nov 2007 11:08:40 +0100

Thank you. Seems to come and go in waves. Means so much that people are interested in my life.
Hope you're doing ok.
Love,
SianX

In response to:Moving news ...

Fri, 23 Nov 2007 03:59:49 +0100

Sweetie haven't been around for a while.Lots of crap going down here too. But seem to be coming out of the tunnel or so it seems. You are in control liek ann said. Your control is yes or no. but that is more than I had in this last move I had to make if you feel like talking PM me

In response to:Moving news ...

Wed, 21 Nov 2007 18:35:42 +0100

dear Sian. LIfe is so horribly full of nasty bits. I'm sorry I haven't been around to add my words of support. Not that words change much or help much but they are there to read and to give a crumb of comfort.
I can be an anxious person myself and I have noticed that I make it worse by seeing all my problems in one lump and thus they look like a mountain that I cannot scale. It is because I am scared of them so they turn into the bogeyman. When I am being sensible (which is uphill and a big act of will sometimes) I make myself pick that mountain apart and address each boulder separately.
There are overlaps in your problems. You probably should move to get your fresh canvas if only because It means you will get cash to do your redecorating whereas you'd maybe have to fund it yourself if you stay where you are. Once you have moved you can decide whether you want to see A again and, if it's a 'yes', you'll know that you have made a positive choice in the relationship and it is not just a 'by default' thing. The motorway means that there will be some life passing by and that's maybe no bad thing.
You do have a bit of choice. It is between staying and going: not much maybe but still a choice. It sounds as if you will have better mobility at the new place in terms of just getting out. Will it be easier or the same or more diffcult to go to the places where you want to be? It is something to consider. Sit down carefully and make a list of pros and cons. If there are more pros then decide to move. It will be your decision and you will be in control of it.
Why are you not speaking to your psychiatrist? Is it your choice? If so, then I think you must reconsider. Bite the bullet, make an appointment now and get it over with. Whatever happens you will feel a bit euphoric afterwards. Where is your social worker? You need to confide in him/her so that someone can do a bit of interfacing for you, maybe smooth the path with your new housing worker.
Concentrate on the fun parts of moving, Sian. Don't imaging it will be ALL plain sailing - it isn't for anybody - but there are certainly compensations. You need to get those paint charts. Avoid grey.
I have to get home now so cannot go on but I'm sure you have had enough of my lecturing.
Best of luck.
x

In response to:Moving news ...

Sat, 17 Nov 2007 11:16:37 +0100

You are very upset at the moment and can't see the wood for the trees. My friend has been where you are now, and has come out the other side. There is hope. Make that your mantra.

In response to:A row on the cards, again ...

Sun, 04 Nov 2007 00:17:12 +0100

Hello there, Sian. Despite what you say it sounds as if you are doing well. I'm sorry I have not been around much for me, please don't think I have forgotten you. Getting in ahead of your course sounds like a good idea for its own sake and because it's good to have a plan.
I don't think you can blame yourself for your use of A+E. After all we could say the same about people who smoke, take drugs, get drunk, drive under the influence of something. At least you don't assault the staff or kill any innocents. Supporting the place is a bit of payback and you are entitled to be involved. Commitment is a big thing.
Your path is not going to be a straight one but I hope that, as you get physically a bit stronger, you will be able to get involved in things that absorb you so you do not spend hours alone with your problems.
Keep going, Sian. Proud of you!

In response to:A row on the cards, again ...

Tue, 30 Oct 2007 22:39:53 +0100

Welcome back, I have been away quite a lot so miss lots of posts, so just catching up.

Now there you go , beating up yourself again.

Sometimes we all have to have help and being the sort of person who values your independence, you are fighting it. Don't feel bad, just make up for the kindness of others by returning it in little ways that don't cost money when you are in a better frame of mind.

I would expect your mood to be all over the place. This is normal for stressful situations, change and people with BPD. Don't worry about it.

Fianally, you are doing what you can do at this time, and sounds like you are doing interesting studies. Just pace yourself and you will be able to last a lot longer. Take it from an expert of doing too much.

Hugs :D