Good evening. I am unfortunately rather drunk! And I am crying. I am tired of being sober and conscious. Thinking is just too hard to do (quote from 28 days, not original I’m afraid). I have had enough of everything. Nothing lasts. I cry at night, most nights because I am deeply lonely and flawed. Today I gave an important talk – to my fellow theologians. 20% of my final mark rested on giving an impressive evaluation of a bible passage. It was nothing really. I just evaluated it, looked it up and formed a coherent talk. I was proud of the fact I did it on time and in the correct situation. But in actual fact, I have now crashed and that rare achievement of getting something right is out-weighed by the reality that I am alone and will always be so. Borderline patients do get better over time or with the right therapeutic interventions. The statistics confirm this. But I think the truth lies in the life circumstance of the person. If I could meet the right person and have someone love me enough, then of course. I would get better.
Thus, I am doomed. Nothing is good enough. No one will ever choose to love me and that is what drives me to destruction. My family have supported me so much and they are so kind. I love them more than anything else. I feel so guilty that even the smallest victory, like today, is clouded over by sadness and this crashing feeling of being deeply unhappy. I cannot achieve what I want. And nothing else is good enough. When is second best what your heart’s desire? I do not want the earth; I just want to make a difference in other peoples lives. To be useful and helpful rather than a drain and an eternal pain in the arse.
I have four essays to do. I have a fair amount of time and it is not impossible to do. But I am not sure I care all the time to make to deadlines. I can do it. I should do it. And on my good days, I can see me in my graduation gown, with my mortar board hat on, walking calmly along the stage as I receive my degree. But I also see me plunging off the local mutli-storey car park, still dressed in my graduation gear and putting an end to this nightmare. I want to graduate and die. I cannot be in this world. People are too cruel, life moves too fast and society is nothing that I can see myself being part of. People are evil, they make money out of misery, they hurt and are so selfish that humane acts of altruism are questioned as not being possible, there has to be another agenda, that of personal gain. I only need enough money to live on, a person that cares about me and a job I believe in. Is that so bad? I live on benefits, in a flat that I have not chosen for myself and I am falling apart because my so-called care team have not seen me in 5 weeks. A hurt me, I mean really hurt me. But I let him. I did not fight and I ignored every warning. It is not until now that realise how hurt I feel. It’s like I am 15 all over again except there are no answers. I was pregnant then but I am not now. I thought I was but I am not. I have failed at even that, the only chance of making something good out of a horrible situation. If only A have made me pregnant then the whole thing would have been worthwhile But there is no meaning. He is fine, probably drunk or stoned as usual. I feel hurt but I shouldn’t. I was in a relationship with him so what was it about that night that hurt me so much? I cannot define that line which he crossed and in my thoughts, I see him and the bloke who hurt me when I was 15, merging into one. I wake scared, with no real reason for being so frightened. I cut and I hurt but that is not enough. I feel sorry for myself and then hate myself for being so weak. My pathetic utterings and mumblings are nothing. I want to write, to get it out but nothing does take it away. So I get drunk, even too drunk to type (thank goodness for spell-check!), I buy things I do not need or want. I confide in good friends but only the bit of truth they can handle, not the full unvarnished horrible reality. And cry myself to sleep thinking of things I wish I could block out. I am so sorry. I wish I could be the good person everyone wants rather than the fuck-up I actually am. I cannot be this person. But how can I escape? Pass me the vodka, please …
