The spring holidays are upon us and I am very glad to have some time to catch up with things. Everything has got a bit out of control I terms of the flat, laundry, rubbish etc. I went home on Friday and just broke down in front of my parents so they came back with me on Saturday. I know that when I need help, I am not that great at asking but I felt so guilty for not keeping up the ‘everything is fine’ façade. Anyway, the flat is much better and just one days’ hard graft got it back to looking ok. My parents have been very kind but I know I am disappointing them. When I broke my ankle, they had to sort out my previous flat and thus found all my self harm stuff and cannabis stash. We needed a session with my psychologist to sort it all out! But all is well again and I guess that is all that matters.

I have been staying with another ex-unit person as well. She is doing ok but was facing a hard day so we got together and had a DVD night. It was so nice to talk and know that the other really understood. I think the other people I was in London with are my true friends and I want so much to keep in contact with them. They are like a family but one where I don’t have to pretend. I am so scared that we will lose touch or the others will want to move on and forget me. The loneliness that I feel is there even when I am with my other friends but with them, I feel accepted and safe. However, I know that part of my condition is forming intense relationships that never last and that scares me when I really care.

I should be doing lots more uni work but I just need some time to think about things. The tarot card reading went very well and I am now trying to write a book because that was the advice that the cards gave. I think that some of the things that came up were a bit wrong but it is my choice about all of it; the cards only guide. I am a bit worried about a possible ‘blip’ in a month or so. I usually have issues around my birthday so perhaps that is all that the ‘blip’ will be. But the book idea has been suggested by lots of people and I just feel that slowly I can piece together my past and use it to move on. The tarot reader said that the book might even help people – that would be so worth it. I do realise that as a Christian I should not be using such things but the tarot cards do not invalidate my faith in God, the reading just helped me focus on better things (other than being bonkers!)

The recent events are still affecting me and I did self harm last night. It was not so bad and the staff were fine. I harmed because I could not calm down. I was jumpy and all over the place, the cut was the least harm I could do. I feel so scared at times, angry at others and such self-hatred for getting myself into this that I get really confused. I have not had therapy or counselling this week and although I know I am over-thinking things and over-therapised but the space to think out loud would be very useful. I hope that the chance to have the sexual assault counselling will be allowed, my psychiatrist has to confirm that I can handle it before the centre will schedule any appointments. It is very frustrating; I wish I could make the decision myself but my behaviour has forced people to make decisions for me so it is, once again, my fault.

Right, back to Diagnosis Murder I suppose. I just love the ‘drama’, its like chewing gum for the brain!!! (and thus just what I need … LOL)