Care in the community

Good evening. I am unfortunately rather drunk! And I am crying. I am tired of being sober and conscious. Thinking is just too hard to do (quote from 28 days, not original I’m afraid). I have had enough of everything. Nothing lasts. I cry at night, most nights because I am deeply lonely and flawed. Today I gave an important talk – to my fellow theologians. 20% of my final mark rested on giving an impressive evaluation of a bible passage. It was nothing really. I just evaluated it, looked it up and formed a coherent talk. I was proud of the fact I did it on time and in the correct situation. But in actual fact, I have now crashed and that rare achievement of getting something right is out-weighed by the reality that I am alone and will always be so. Borderline patients do get better over time or with the right therapeutic interventions. The statistics confirm this. But I think the truth lies in the life circumstance of the person. If I could meet the right person and have someone love me enough, then of course. I would get better.

Thus, I am doomed. Nothing is good enough. No one will ever choose to love me and that is what drives me to destruction. My family have supported me so much and they are so kind. I love them more than anything else. I feel so guilty that even the smallest victory, like today, is clouded over by sadness and this crashing feeling of being deeply unhappy. I cannot achieve what I want. And nothing else is good enough. When is second best what your heart’s desire? I do not want the earth; I just want to make a difference in other peoples lives. To be useful and helpful rather than a drain and an eternal pain in the arse.

I have four essays to do. I have a fair amount of time and it is not impossible to do. But I am not sure I care all the time to make to deadlines. I can do it. I should do it. And on my good days, I can see me in my graduation gown, with my mortar board hat on, walking calmly along the stage as I receive my degree. But I also see me plunging off the local mutli-storey car park, still dressed in my graduation gear and putting an end to this nightmare. I want to graduate and die. I cannot be in this world. People are too cruel, life moves too fast and society is nothing that I can see myself being part of. People are evil, they make money out of misery, they hurt and are so selfish that humane acts of altruism are questioned as not being possible, there has to be another agenda, that of personal gain. I only need enough money to live on, a person that cares about me and a job I believe in. Is that so bad? I live on benefits, in a flat that I have not chosen for myself and I am falling apart because my so-called care team have not seen me in 5 weeks. A hurt me, I mean really hurt me. But I let him. I did not fight and I ignored every warning. It is not until now that realise how hurt I feel. It’s like I am 15 all over again except there are no answers. I was pregnant then but I am not now. I thought I was but I am not. I have failed at even that, the only chance of making something good out of a horrible situation. If only A have made me pregnant then the whole thing would have been worthwhile But there is no meaning. He is fine, probably drunk or stoned as usual. I feel hurt but I shouldn’t. I was in a relationship with him so what was it about that night that hurt me so much? I cannot define that line which he crossed and in my thoughts, I see him and the bloke who hurt me when I was 15, merging into one. I wake scared, with no real reason for being so frightened. I cut and I hurt but that is not enough. I feel sorry for myself and then hate myself for being so weak. My pathetic utterings and mumblings are nothing. I want to write, to get it out but nothing does take it away. So I get drunk, even too drunk to type (thank goodness for spell-check!), I buy things I do not need or want. I confide in good friends but only the bit of truth they can handle, not the full unvarnished horrible reality. And cry myself to sleep thinking of things I wish I could block out. I am so sorry. I wish I could be the good person everyone wants rather than the fuck-up I actually am. I cannot be this person. But how can I escape? Pass me the vodka, please …

The spring holidays are upon us and I am very glad to have some time to catch up with things. Everything has got a bit out of control I terms of the flat, laundry, rubbish etc. I went home on Friday and just broke down in front of my parents so they came back with me on Saturday. I know that when I need help, I am not that great at asking but I felt so guilty for not keeping up the ‘everything is fine’ façade. Anyway, the flat is much better and just one days’ hard graft got it back to looking ok. My parents have been very kind but I know I am disappointing them. When I broke my ankle, they had to sort out my previous flat and thus found all my self harm stuff and cannabis stash. We needed a session with my psychologist to sort it all out! But all is well again and I guess that is all that matters.

I have been staying with another ex-unit person as well. She is doing ok but was facing a hard day so we got together and had a DVD night. It was so nice to talk and know that the other really understood. I think the other people I was in London with are my true friends and I want so much to keep in contact with them. They are like a family but one where I don’t have to pretend. I am so scared that we will lose touch or the others will want to move on and forget me. The loneliness that I feel is there even when I am with my other friends but with them, I feel accepted and safe. However, I know that part of my condition is forming intense relationships that never last and that scares me when I really care.

I should be doing lots more uni work but I just need some time to think about things. The tarot card reading went very well and I am now trying to write a book because that was the advice that the cards gave. I think that some of the things that came up were a bit wrong but it is my choice about all of it; the cards only guide. I am a bit worried about a possible ‘blip’ in a month or so. I usually have issues around my birthday so perhaps that is all that the ‘blip’ will be. But the book idea has been suggested by lots of people and I just feel that slowly I can piece together my past and use it to move on. The tarot reader said that the book might even help people – that would be so worth it. I do realise that as a Christian I should not be using such things but the tarot cards do not invalidate my faith in God, the reading just helped me focus on better things (other than being bonkers!)

The recent events are still affecting me and I did self harm last night. It was not so bad and the staff were fine. I harmed because I could not calm down. I was jumpy and all over the place, the cut was the least harm I could do. I feel so scared at times, angry at others and such self-hatred for getting myself into this that I get really confused. I have not had therapy or counselling this week and although I know I am over-thinking things and over-therapised but the space to think out loud would be very useful. I hope that the chance to have the sexual assault counselling will be allowed, my psychiatrist has to confirm that I can handle it before the centre will schedule any appointments. It is very frustrating; I wish I could make the decision myself but my behaviour has forced people to make decisions for me so it is, once again, my fault.

Right, back to Diagnosis Murder I suppose. I just love the ‘drama’, its like chewing gum for the brain!!! (and thus just what I need … LOL)