Since my last post, things have changed a bit.
I was admitted to the acute psychiatric ward for a week and had some very valuable time out to rest and to think. I made some important decisions and hope that now I am at home again, I can slowly sort my life out, bit by bit. The crisis team and my psychiatrist decided that I was safer in the ward for a week and I am grateful that they finally listened to me. I didn’t want to go in but now I am back, I can see that I was so out of control with my thoughts, feelings and behaviour that I needed to take time out. I am no longer classed as psychotic – whether that is the drugs or just being a bit calmer, I am unsure. The most important thing has been quite accidental. I had to go to the sexual health clinic to be treated for my caustic soda burn. It turns out that I had an infection and I was given antibiotics. Whilst the staff were professional, they were shocked and referred me to a counsellor. I didn’t realise that it was that easy to help. The counsellor was part of the local rape crisis team and was very kind. In my own time, I was honest about what happened. She listened and did not judge, something that I was crying out for. I realised that I was more than assaulted and that she would see me for a fixed number of sessions to help me work this through. She treated me like a person, not a mental health patient, which was just what I needed. All the so-called help I got from the crisis team and mental health services saw me as a borderline in crisis not seeing the whole picture including what had happened. So, I took the time in the ward to think about having this help and moving on. I still very much want to graduate and change my life. I was at the point of suicide and I couldn’t do it. I think it was more than just being a coward, although I am not in any way brave, it was more that I do not want to die, just yet. I love my family very much and I couldn’t end it without trying to fix things first. That was probably the most positive thing I have done recently, although again, I didn’t realise it at the time.
With this in mind, I have tried other ways of making things better. I have an interview this week at a pet rescue centre to be a volunteer. I think if I try to do something good for other people (or animals!) then I might be able to make a difference. It might give me something to keep going for – even though that at the moment I feel very tired and miserable. I have also booked a haircut and a Tarot card reading. I know that as a Christian, Tarot cards are inviting possible bad forces to work in my life but I just want another perspective about what I want to do with my life. The reader said that all she does is use what is already there to advise; not to predict the future or impose ideas that might be harmful. My mother has found it very helpful in the past, so it's time to try something different.
I am still scared, I still have difficult thoughts, I still self harm and I still feel very down … but I am a bit more in control and hopefully, that will be enough for now. The people involved in my care are going to meet to discuss what to do next and I am grateful for their care, but right now, I think I can do more for myself. I do not need a CPN who refuses to see me when I really needed her, I do not need to be in an institution and I do not need heavy, sedating drugs all the time. I choose to try and be more than just a victim of her own hand … I just hope that trying wont hurt more than giving up. Sadness doesn’t go away, I have cried more than I have done in ages this week but you can’t stay sad and self-pitying forever.
(Thank you for reading this, it means a lot that people I don't really know are kind enough to help and advise me)