I do not know what to say or write. I am currently under the care of my CMHT crisis team. I don’t know exactly what they are supposed to do but I have had their help for a week and I am not feeling very ‘helped’. I have been stuck on a new drug which is an anti-psychotic. They are horrible drugs and I do not feel any benefit (yet?). I know these things take time but I am beyond what I can cope with. I have harmed myself a lot including a caustic soda burn - which is really different from what I usually do. My psychologist says I am becoming psychotic and am losing touch with reality. I just know I feel very anxious and not myself. I was meant to help out with a uni mental health day but I couldn’t face it – yet I am still managing to attend lectures. I know it is very near the end of term and I am worried about the deadlines approaching rapidly. But the kick off for this lies with what happened a few weeks ago. I was assaulted and I thought I had dealt with it. But I am so scared all the time and the whole psychosis thing indicates that I have not dealt with it at all. I don’t really know what I am so scared of. The crisis team are just seeing me for an hour each day and are so patronising that I feel terribly humiliated. I know how to plan distractions and all that arse. It is just a stop-gap … a tick in the box of concerned care when actually I feel more alone than ever. I have such problems sleeping – again, I wake up terrified but with no idea what is so scary. I don’t know what to do for the best. I have a review tomorrow with the whole team (I say that in the loosest sense as CPN from hell is refusing to see me (too busy and I have the crisis team – apparently), care co-ordinator is on leave AGAIN and psychologist never comes to meetings) But to get that, I had to ask for admission. That in itself is a difficult issue. I don’t really want to end up in acute but I do not want to feel like this either. I don’t know what else can help and I think it was somewhat of an empty request really. I have this new drug but the doctor prescribing it did not actually see me, he just did it and left the script for me to collect. I do not think that is sensible or fair. I do not like my consultant. He seems very happy to hand over my care to anyone else who can do it instead of seeing me himself so I do not know how he can tell what is going on with me. The nurses give their opinion and he reacts accordingly. But these nurses do not know me. I have been under their care before but you don’t really have any therapeutic involvement – they do not ask why or what are the deeper issues of what is going on. It’s just what are you feeling (in one sentence) and what are you going to do about it. I don’t think they can know what is truly going on with me. I am so confused and tired … I cannot trust anything or anyone and I have had enough. If that is admission criteria, fine but I don’t think a ward is the right place necessarily. It too is a stop-gap …so what else is there? And more importantly, what is going to really help and make the difference? I have tried seeing my parents and I couldn’t tell them what was bothering me – I just pretended I was fine. I have also tried my friends. I had a nice time with them in Brighton but then I had to come home and the anxiety just started up again.
I know I am whinging and going on, I am sorry but only here can I voice the truth. I cannot talk to the crisis team, I just tell them what they want to hear. And I saw my best friend today, my closest friend from years ago and although I loved seeing her, I felt this huge sense of change. She has a 2 year old child and another one on the way, I am cycling back into trouble yet again. May be I am in such a downer that every good thing feels sad and empty …

The only good bit is the fact that one of my favourite books is going to be on TV – Poppy Shakespeare. That is a truly classic book and for the record, I am definitely a dribbler not a flop!!!