Care in the community

Since my last post, things have changed a bit.
I was admitted to the acute psychiatric ward for a week and had some very valuable time out to rest and to think. I made some important decisions and hope that now I am at home again, I can slowly sort my life out, bit by bit. The crisis team and my psychiatrist decided that I was safer in the ward for a week and I am grateful that they finally listened to me. I didn’t want to go in but now I am back, I can see that I was so out of control with my thoughts, feelings and behaviour that I needed to take time out. I am no longer classed as psychotic – whether that is the drugs or just being a bit calmer, I am unsure. The most important thing has been quite accidental. I had to go to the sexual health clinic to be treated for my caustic soda burn. It turns out that I had an infection and I was given antibiotics. Whilst the staff were professional, they were shocked and referred me to a counsellor. I didn’t realise that it was that easy to help. The counsellor was part of the local rape crisis team and was very kind. In my own time, I was honest about what happened. She listened and did not judge, something that I was crying out for. I realised that I was more than assaulted and that she would see me for a fixed number of sessions to help me work this through. She treated me like a person, not a mental health patient, which was just what I needed. All the so-called help I got from the crisis team and mental health services saw me as a borderline in crisis not seeing the whole picture including what had happened. So, I took the time in the ward to think about having this help and moving on. I still very much want to graduate and change my life. I was at the point of suicide and I couldn’t do it. I think it was more than just being a coward, although I am not in any way brave, it was more that I do not want to die, just yet. I love my family very much and I couldn’t end it without trying to fix things first. That was probably the most positive thing I have done recently, although again, I didn’t realise it at the time.
With this in mind, I have tried other ways of making things better. I have an interview this week at a pet rescue centre to be a volunteer. I think if I try to do something good for other people (or animals!) then I might be able to make a difference. It might give me something to keep going for – even though that at the moment I feel very tired and miserable. I have also booked a haircut and a Tarot card reading. I know that as a Christian, Tarot cards are inviting possible bad forces to work in my life but I just want another perspective about what I want to do with my life. The reader said that all she does is use what is already there to advise; not to predict the future or impose ideas that might be harmful. My mother has found it very helpful in the past, so it's time to try something different.
I am still scared, I still have difficult thoughts, I still self harm and I still feel very down … but I am a bit more in control and hopefully, that will be enough for now. The people involved in my care are going to meet to discuss what to do next and I am grateful for their care, but right now, I think I can do more for myself. I do not need a CPN who refuses to see me when I really needed her, I do not need to be in an institution and I do not need heavy, sedating drugs all the time. I choose to try and be more than just a victim of her own hand … I just hope that trying wont hurt more than giving up. Sadness doesn’t go away, I have cried more than I have done in ages this week but you can’t stay sad and self-pitying forever.
(Thank you for reading this, it means a lot that people I don't really know are kind enough to help and advise me)

I do not know what to say or write. I am currently under the care of my CMHT crisis team. I don’t know exactly what they are supposed to do but I have had their help for a week and I am not feeling very ‘helped’. I have been stuck on a new drug which is an anti-psychotic. They are horrible drugs and I do not feel any benefit (yet?). I know these things take time but I am beyond what I can cope with. I have harmed myself a lot including a caustic soda burn - which is really different from what I usually do. My psychologist says I am becoming psychotic and am losing touch with reality. I just know I feel very anxious and not myself. I was meant to help out with a uni mental health day but I couldn’t face it – yet I am still managing to attend lectures. I know it is very near the end of term and I am worried about the deadlines approaching rapidly. But the kick off for this lies with what happened a few weeks ago. I was assaulted and I thought I had dealt with it. But I am so scared all the time and the whole psychosis thing indicates that I have not dealt with it at all. I don’t really know what I am so scared of. The crisis team are just seeing me for an hour each day and are so patronising that I feel terribly humiliated. I know how to plan distractions and all that arse. It is just a stop-gap … a tick in the box of concerned care when actually I feel more alone than ever. I have such problems sleeping – again, I wake up terrified but with no idea what is so scary. I don’t know what to do for the best. I have a review tomorrow with the whole team (I say that in the loosest sense as CPN from hell is refusing to see me (too busy and I have the crisis team – apparently), care co-ordinator is on leave AGAIN and psychologist never comes to meetings) But to get that, I had to ask for admission. That in itself is a difficult issue. I don’t really want to end up in acute but I do not want to feel like this either. I don’t know what else can help and I think it was somewhat of an empty request really. I have this new drug but the doctor prescribing it did not actually see me, he just did it and left the script for me to collect. I do not think that is sensible or fair. I do not like my consultant. He seems very happy to hand over my care to anyone else who can do it instead of seeing me himself so I do not know how he can tell what is going on with me. The nurses give their opinion and he reacts accordingly. But these nurses do not know me. I have been under their care before but you don’t really have any therapeutic involvement – they do not ask why or what are the deeper issues of what is going on. It’s just what are you feeling (in one sentence) and what are you going to do about it. I don’t think they can know what is truly going on with me. I am so confused and tired … I cannot trust anything or anyone and I have had enough. If that is admission criteria, fine but I don’t think a ward is the right place necessarily. It too is a stop-gap …so what else is there? And more importantly, what is going to really help and make the difference? I have tried seeing my parents and I couldn’t tell them what was bothering me – I just pretended I was fine. I have also tried my friends. I had a nice time with them in Brighton but then I had to come home and the anxiety just started up again.
I know I am whinging and going on, I am sorry but only here can I voice the truth. I cannot talk to the crisis team, I just tell them what they want to hear. And I saw my best friend today, my closest friend from years ago and although I loved seeing her, I felt this huge sense of change. She has a 2 year old child and another one on the way, I am cycling back into trouble yet again. May be I am in such a downer that every good thing feels sad and empty …

The only good bit is the fact that one of my favourite books is going to be on TV – Poppy Shakespeare. That is a truly classic book and for the record, I am definitely a dribbler not a flop!!!

Evening All!

The last week or so has not been one of my finest. I have been very busy and most of that is to do with good and positive things but there are few downers as per usual.

The good stuff is that for my first 2 pieces of university work for this academic year have come back with good marks and comments from my lecturers. Even the Old Testament Studies lecturer has been surprised that I have managed to do anything because in the past I have not done so well in his lectures and often had to drop his modules when I was too unwell to continue. I think I have proved that I can do the work and that I made the right decision to return to uni. I am trying very hard to find a way to get through to the class and talk more in lectures and break times. I had to do a presentation last night and I was so scared, I had an upset tummy all day but I did it and to my surprise the class applauded me twice. I am trying to gain confidence from all this and be more focused on what I am doing. I have been thinking very seriously about the future but I think that for now, I just have to look to graduating and then think of what to do next. Sometimes I have found that the universe does provide answers when you don’t expect them although my mother has recently visited a tarot card reader for advice and she said that the woman really knew her stuff so I am planning to go, as soon as possible.

I also managed to buy some very nice clothes again but this time I went shopping with m y housing support worker who is much easier to shop with than my mother! I did not realise that New Look now has a lard-arse range and I actually fit in their stuff. It is so nice to shop somewhere other than Evans (the Hefty-hide away – the UK version of the shop in hairspray!!!). I like what I have chosen and I hope that it will make me feel more comfortable in my own skin. That sounds like a load of arse but I frequently just wear what will cover up my scars and fat rather than what I’d actually like to wear. My mum calls it camouflage- dressing not to cause offence or draw attention to myself. But these clothes are a bit nice than my usual stuff – I take student grunge to a new level most days – so 2 nice shirts and a pair of linen trousers are a bit of a break for me!

Plus, I am very excited about this weekend – I am going away to London to see my favourite band, the Levellers, in concert at the Brixton Academy. The gig should be huge as it is their 20th anniversary year. I cannot wait as I have now booked a hotel room so I can stay the night and not miss part of the gig to get the last train home. I love seeing them play, it is the only time I get to be myself as most people expect weirdness at their gigs and their politics and outlook is so my true style that I can be whoever I want to be when I go and see them. Their music is amazing and played with such conviction that I live for these gigs – I have seen them over 15 times in all sorts of places and I just love it. I told my psychologist about how I feel and she said it was nice that I could tell her a bit more about me and the positive stuff I live for – although it wasn’t strictly therapeutic in the straightforward sense. I had a useful session with her and I managed to get to the true feelings of grief and sadness that I usually try to avoid by arguing and stuff. I even cried, which is not my style in sessions.

But … despite all these positives and behind it all is the truth … I have self harmed to extent that I have over 40 stitches in me at the moment. To keep going and face everything, I have to cut – deeply. Each time I cut, I still face the same lottery of treatment and feel such guilt that I cannot see how, in any rational sense, this actually helps. But it does. I can only function at the level I want to if I can cut. Mother’s day set me off – my parents could not be bothered to phone me and I had to not phone them because my sister was home and I couldn’t face speaking to her if she answered it. We have not seen each other for nearly a year now and it makes me very sad. I have to back off and leave her be but I miss her so much. Plus it was on mother’s day a few years ago that I cut so badly I needed to be resuscitated. I still think about that moment a lot – I had a chance to die and I couldn’t – something inside of me wanted to live. And I just do not understand that at all. I should be pleased to be alive and glad that I had that self-survivor thing but I instead angry and bewildered as to why I have been kept alive. It is very hard to explain and I don’t really know how to put it, but on Buffy, when Willow raises her from the dead, she had a feeling that she’d left something of herself behind … that she wasn’t meant to be. And I think that is how I feel (although I did not sleep with a vampire to get over it!)

Anyway, I am just hanging on to the thoughts of the gig and the fact I can do the uni work I have to do. If it means I still cut, then that is just the way it is. At least then I can still function – and it is happening less than before I went to the CRU.