I am currently waiting for an emergency plumber for the 4th time since I moved into this flat (Nov 07) The toilet continually blocks and I am now getting very tired of having the same people come out, fix it for now, but do nothing for the underlying issues (ie. The toilet is pants and needs replacing) Grrr. At least the repairs are free as an emergency plumber at this time of night would not come cheap. Thankfully, it is covered as part of my tenancy.

Aside from the momentary inconvenience, I am not in the best of moods. I have just spent half term lazing around and doing as little as possible – a few trips to hospital etc but other than that, a quiet time all round. I have been thinking about a lot of things. The biggest problem is this bloke I have been ‘seeing’. I know, I really know he is such a bad person for me to be around. I hate going there. I hate what we do but I need it. I don’t really understand why – I think that he lets me feel less alone and useless. I know that is no real excuse but I am terribly lonely. I thought that uni would provide a way of being around people more but I feel so alone there. I don’t mix with my groups because I feel that I have nothing of value to say. I am very tired of having to try so very hard when I feel like I am getting nowhere. I don’t want to go back tomorrow. I quite like being at home with nothing much to do but I know I will get bored and it is an income, student loads make my life much more bearable.

Other than that, life just goes on. I have self harmed again but not too badly and I am now off the crisis team intervention. I found them quite useful in the end. And I think that if I get bad again in the future, they are a good team to try and avoid the acute inpatient unit.

My head is full of the London unit. This time last year I was freaking out about going there. I was so scared of what it would be like and I so desperately hoped they would cure me … I miss the staff and other residents so much. Talking to a few other ex-res, they say it takes time but they miss some of it too. But I seriously want to have another full admission. I don’t think the unit would ever take me again, they never have before. I tell my psychologist this and she is trying to find ways to replicate the principles of the unit here in Chichester. It is not enough though. This awful sense of loneliness scares me. If I died, no one would find me for days. How can life have come to this?

Sorry.

++++news just in: toilet is fixed … Yeah!!!!++++