I am glad to get back into this blog – it is such a useful way of sorting out how I am feeling and what is going on for me at the moment.
Life has been particularly turbulent. I am currently under the care of the community mental health team crisis resolution team – a big long title for what used to be called the home treatment team. There are a group of nurses that can look after you at home via the 24 hour phone service and home visits. They generally help you stay out of hospital and can be there for about 2 weeks. Before going to London, I never used to use the service because I thought it was a cheap stop-gap and a way of keeping me out of the acute unit when that is the only place that really helped – but I decided to accept their offer of cover because I have been on a real downer this past week or so and I really couldn’t face being on my own with it – but I didn’t want to get so bad that I needed admission. A bit of a different approach which seems to have helped and I am certainly no longer in so much distress that I need the acute unit. After the Christmas and New Year admission, I have resolved to not go there again if I can help it.
The whole bad patch started last week when I self harmed and ended up going to another hospital for treatment because St. Richard’s were so evil. I knew that my behaviour was out of line and that I was heading for trouble. This time of year is very hard for me as it is the anniversary of being raped and getting pregnant. I was only 15 and I never told anyone until I went to London – I didn’t even acknowledge the truth of what had happened – I told myself that it was my fault and although I felt a great deal of pain and sadness, I thought that what had happened was to be a secret forever. But now I have begun to speak about it, I need more help to deal with it. I still have horrendous flashbacks and intrusive thoughts, as well as other problems with men – so I asked my psychologist what to do but she says I am not ready to have therapy about it because I get so upset and have a crisis every time something even remotely difficult comes up. I need to learn life skills first. So, I dealt with the first difficult day last Tuesday by self harming quite badly – another 18 stitches. A&E were very kind though, they helped me see the psych. Nurse on call and get a referral to the home treatment team for more support. The nurses who came to see me were very practical and they helped me plan stuff to do to keep me busy and avoid any further harm. I then saw my psychologist – it was a very hard session and at the end she said she did not know how to help me so she was taking me to supervision. I know that most psych staff do have a supervisor of some sort and they are neutral mentors who help think further about their patients and give guidance etc. But I am terrified that I have not been a good patient and that she is going to not see me anymore. I know I am difficult to work with and I push people but I like my psychologist and I trust her more any other psychologist I have ever had (5 in total). I want to keep working with her. Tomorrow I see her again and I am so scared it will be the end of our work. I got through the rest of the week by using the help from the team. I tried to remain at uni and attend classes – I only bunked off one and feel asleep in another because I’d been at A&E all night and I was just so tired. But by Sunday, I was exhausted and I couldn’t fight the urge to self harm any ore, I had to do it. So now I have 3 wounds that needed 56 stitches in total. It is not good. I am very depressed and tired. My arms hurt so much and I just cannot get any rest. The bloke I am ‘seeing’ hasn’t helped. He did a lot of cocaine at the weekend and was ‘on one’ last night which kind of added to it. I have to say the on call nurses have been very patient with me – and at least I am at home.
University is ok – I am behind on a piece of work and having a few issues. The nurses suggested I contact the college mental health advisor for some extra help to catch up which I will do on Thursday – once I have got through tomorrow.
I have lied to my parents and said that I am doing fine. I cannot bear to upset them again although when I saw mum the other day for lunch, she commented on my arm and hinted that she could see that I am saying one thing and doing another. I said it was from ages ago.
The only good thing is that I have managed to see someone from the unit. She left before me but we had about 3 months of time together. I like her a lot so I really appreciated her meeting up with me. We went to the Tate Modern – a bit of culture for a change. As we talked, I had planned to be honest with her but I found that she was struggling a bit also and I couldn’t tell her the truth – but I still liked seeing her and I realise that the unit in London is just the start of sorting things out. She is having trauma therapy and says it is horrible but helpful – I hope that I can try that soon. She said that may be it is time to try a new therapist and that more boundaries in the work with someone like that is often more helpful in making progress. I’ve been drifting in therapy, never staying too long on a topic and not having a plan. Perhaps it is time for a change? I don’t know … the thought of another therapist and possible waiting list time is very daunting.
Half term next week or ‘student directed learning’ week as we are supposed to call it! Yeah! Time to go shopping … oh and may be an essay or 2!!!!!!
