I have not blogged for the longest time since this blog started. This has been because since my lat entry, life has become so very hectic that I have not had time and I developed a bit of an irrational fear that every time I turned the computer on, people were watching me and expecting things of me. Very strange but 2 weeks in the acute psychiatric ward sorted that out.

I am now settled in the new flat. It is ok most of the time and I certainly like being on the ground floor. I can now do shopping and taking the rubbish out without assistance which makes my life a lot easier. The only downside (and it is a small one) is that I only have 4 TV channels. There is no freeview or cable and sky dishes are forbidden. I miss the variety of TV on freeview but I have a lot of videos and DVDs to occupy me.

I am back at university now. I have gone back to a new class and to subjects I am not very good at, but at least I am back. I feel very isolated there; all my friends have already graduated. I am trying to get to know the new people I meet but they remain very clique-y – I have a lot of trouble at break times and it m=reminds me of school. But on the whole, I am so busy with set reading and research that I am much happier back there than I would be if I dropped out altogether.

I am struggling with issues from the past that seem to have got more immediate since I did all the therapy up in London. It was like a cooking pot had been stirred and all the stuff stuck to the bottom is now nearer the surface. My psychology sessions continue but I do not feel that much progress is being made. I cannot do any of the trauma work that I need to in order to deal with all these stirred up memories because taking about it increases my self harm and flashbacks, so I supposed to be getting that under more control first, but the memories plague me all the time. Dreams, flashbacks, intrusive thoughts and anniversary days are all very hard to deal with but I cannot bring them to therapy because my psychologist days I am not ready. I really do not understand. I was ready in London but not here? I guess that in the unit, I had 24 care and support so the nasty stuff could be faced knowing that I would be safe. But I can’t help but feel that the progress I made there is not good enough and that life should be better than it is. I miss the unit so much. I still think about the staff and residents a great deal and wish I could be back there for longer. Ironic really considering how much it did my head in whilst I was there!!! I am still very angry with myself for not having been able to cease self harming. I cut myself last week and was treated like shite again by the hospital. I have reduced the frequency of the episodes but the cuts are still deep and difficult to stitch. I needed 22 stitches last time and that is about average. I am resorting to various methods of self harm that cause a lot of damage to my body including cannabis use and sex with a bloke that cares nothing for me.

When I think back to a year ago, I know that in many ways I am doing so much better. I am very lucky to have had such an experience in London and I do not regret the decision to go there. But I had a lot of hope then and that is slowly fading. I fear being stuck like this for a long time. Just existing and trying so hard to complete a basic course whilst keeping the flat going and life ticking over. I feel very alone and it wont go away. Sorry.