Care in the community

I am currently waiting for an emergency plumber for the 4th time since I moved into this flat (Nov 07) The toilet continually blocks and I am now getting very tired of having the same people come out, fix it for now, but do nothing for the underlying issues (ie. The toilet is pants and needs replacing) Grrr. At least the repairs are free as an emergency plumber at this time of night would not come cheap. Thankfully, it is covered as part of my tenancy.

Aside from the momentary inconvenience, I am not in the best of moods. I have just spent half term lazing around and doing as little as possible – a few trips to hospital etc but other than that, a quiet time all round. I have been thinking about a lot of things. The biggest problem is this bloke I have been ‘seeing’. I know, I really know he is such a bad person for me to be around. I hate going there. I hate what we do but I need it. I don’t really understand why – I think that he lets me feel less alone and useless. I know that is no real excuse but I am terribly lonely. I thought that uni would provide a way of being around people more but I feel so alone there. I don’t mix with my groups because I feel that I have nothing of value to say. I am very tired of having to try so very hard when I feel like I am getting nowhere. I don’t want to go back tomorrow. I quite like being at home with nothing much to do but I know I will get bored and it is an income, student loads make my life much more bearable.

Other than that, life just goes on. I have self harmed again but not too badly and I am now off the crisis team intervention. I found them quite useful in the end. And I think that if I get bad again in the future, they are a good team to try and avoid the acute inpatient unit.

My head is full of the London unit. This time last year I was freaking out about going there. I was so scared of what it would be like and I so desperately hoped they would cure me … I miss the staff and other residents so much. Talking to a few other ex-res, they say it takes time but they miss some of it too. But I seriously want to have another full admission. I don’t think the unit would ever take me again, they never have before. I tell my psychologist this and she is trying to find ways to replicate the principles of the unit here in Chichester. It is not enough though. This awful sense of loneliness scares me. If I died, no one would find me for days. How can life have come to this?

Sorry.

++++news just in: toilet is fixed … Yeah!!!!++++

I am glad to get back into this blog – it is such a useful way of sorting out how I am feeling and what is going on for me at the moment.

Life has been particularly turbulent. I am currently under the care of the community mental health team crisis resolution team – a big long title for what used to be called the home treatment team. There are a group of nurses that can look after you at home via the 24 hour phone service and home visits. They generally help you stay out of hospital and can be there for about 2 weeks. Before going to London, I never used to use the service because I thought it was a cheap stop-gap and a way of keeping me out of the acute unit when that is the only place that really helped – but I decided to accept their offer of cover because I have been on a real downer this past week or so and I really couldn’t face being on my own with it – but I didn’t want to get so bad that I needed admission. A bit of a different approach which seems to have helped and I am certainly no longer in so much distress that I need the acute unit. After the Christmas and New Year admission, I have resolved to not go there again if I can help it.

The whole bad patch started last week when I self harmed and ended up going to another hospital for treatment because St. Richard’s were so evil. I knew that my behaviour was out of line and that I was heading for trouble. This time of year is very hard for me as it is the anniversary of being raped and getting pregnant. I was only 15 and I never told anyone until I went to London – I didn’t even acknowledge the truth of what had happened – I told myself that it was my fault and although I felt a great deal of pain and sadness, I thought that what had happened was to be a secret forever. But now I have begun to speak about it, I need more help to deal with it. I still have horrendous flashbacks and intrusive thoughts, as well as other problems with men – so I asked my psychologist what to do but she says I am not ready to have therapy about it because I get so upset and have a crisis every time something even remotely difficult comes up. I need to learn life skills first. So, I dealt with the first difficult day last Tuesday by self harming quite badly – another 18 stitches. A&E were very kind though, they helped me see the psych. Nurse on call and get a referral to the home treatment team for more support. The nurses who came to see me were very practical and they helped me plan stuff to do to keep me busy and avoid any further harm. I then saw my psychologist – it was a very hard session and at the end she said she did not know how to help me so she was taking me to supervision. I know that most psych staff do have a supervisor of some sort and they are neutral mentors who help think further about their patients and give guidance etc. But I am terrified that I have not been a good patient and that she is going to not see me anymore. I know I am difficult to work with and I push people but I like my psychologist and I trust her more any other psychologist I have ever had (5 in total). I want to keep working with her. Tomorrow I see her again and I am so scared it will be the end of our work. I got through the rest of the week by using the help from the team. I tried to remain at uni and attend classes – I only bunked off one and feel asleep in another because I’d been at A&E all night and I was just so tired. But by Sunday, I was exhausted and I couldn’t fight the urge to self harm any ore, I had to do it. So now I have 3 wounds that needed 56 stitches in total. It is not good. I am very depressed and tired. My arms hurt so much and I just cannot get any rest. The bloke I am ‘seeing’ hasn’t helped. He did a lot of cocaine at the weekend and was ‘on one’ last night which kind of added to it. I have to say the on call nurses have been very patient with me – and at least I am at home.

University is ok – I am behind on a piece of work and having a few issues. The nurses suggested I contact the college mental health advisor for some extra help to catch up which I will do on Thursday – once I have got through tomorrow.
I have lied to my parents and said that I am doing fine. I cannot bear to upset them again although when I saw mum the other day for lunch, she commented on my arm and hinted that she could see that I am saying one thing and doing another. I said it was from ages ago.

The only good thing is that I have managed to see someone from the unit. She left before me but we had about 3 months of time together. I like her a lot so I really appreciated her meeting up with me. We went to the Tate Modern – a bit of culture for a change. As we talked, I had planned to be honest with her but I found that she was struggling a bit also and I couldn’t tell her the truth – but I still liked seeing her and I realise that the unit in London is just the start of sorting things out. She is having trauma therapy and says it is horrible but helpful – I hope that I can try that soon. She said that may be it is time to try a new therapist and that more boundaries in the work with someone like that is often more helpful in making progress. I’ve been drifting in therapy, never staying too long on a topic and not having a plan. Perhaps it is time for a change? I don’t know … the thought of another therapist and possible waiting list time is very daunting.

Half term next week or ‘student directed learning’ week as we are supposed to call it! Yeah! Time to go shopping … oh and may be an essay or 2!!!!!!

I have not blogged for the longest time since this blog started. This has been because since my lat entry, life has become so very hectic that I have not had time and I developed a bit of an irrational fear that every time I turned the computer on, people were watching me and expecting things of me. Very strange but 2 weeks in the acute psychiatric ward sorted that out.

I am now settled in the new flat. It is ok most of the time and I certainly like being on the ground floor. I can now do shopping and taking the rubbish out without assistance which makes my life a lot easier. The only downside (and it is a small one) is that I only have 4 TV channels. There is no freeview or cable and sky dishes are forbidden. I miss the variety of TV on freeview but I have a lot of videos and DVDs to occupy me.

I am back at university now. I have gone back to a new class and to subjects I am not very good at, but at least I am back. I feel very isolated there; all my friends have already graduated. I am trying to get to know the new people I meet but they remain very clique-y – I have a lot of trouble at break times and it m=reminds me of school. But on the whole, I am so busy with set reading and research that I am much happier back there than I would be if I dropped out altogether.

I am struggling with issues from the past that seem to have got more immediate since I did all the therapy up in London. It was like a cooking pot had been stirred and all the stuff stuck to the bottom is now nearer the surface. My psychology sessions continue but I do not feel that much progress is being made. I cannot do any of the trauma work that I need to in order to deal with all these stirred up memories because taking about it increases my self harm and flashbacks, so I supposed to be getting that under more control first, but the memories plague me all the time. Dreams, flashbacks, intrusive thoughts and anniversary days are all very hard to deal with but I cannot bring them to therapy because my psychologist days I am not ready. I really do not understand. I was ready in London but not here? I guess that in the unit, I had 24 care and support so the nasty stuff could be faced knowing that I would be safe. But I can’t help but feel that the progress I made there is not good enough and that life should be better than it is. I miss the unit so much. I still think about the staff and residents a great deal and wish I could be back there for longer. Ironic really considering how much it did my head in whilst I was there!!! I am still very angry with myself for not having been able to cease self harming. I cut myself last week and was treated like shite again by the hospital. I have reduced the frequency of the episodes but the cuts are still deep and difficult to stitch. I needed 22 stitches last time and that is about average. I am resorting to various methods of self harm that cause a lot of damage to my body including cannabis use and sex with a bloke that cares nothing for me.

When I think back to a year ago, I know that in many ways I am doing so much better. I am very lucky to have had such an experience in London and I do not regret the decision to go there. But I had a lot of hope then and that is slowly fading. I fear being stuck like this for a long time. Just existing and trying so hard to complete a basic course whilst keeping the flat going and life ticking over. I feel very alone and it wont go away. Sorry.