Good morning!

It is before 7am and I never usually get up this early except for church. I cannot sleep, which is fairly unusual for me. I have heavy doses of sleeping meds that usually knock me out really well but I am deeply unsettled at the moment.

Let me explain; I am having to move. To give a brief history to this, I have to return to 1998 when I originally moved to Chichester. I was in students halls as a first year at uni. I moved into a shared house in 1999, as a normal student would but then it all fell apart. I took a massive OD and then my housemates did not want me in their house anymore. Understandable really. I left uni and was housed in Chichester by a youth housing organisation called The Foyer. It was like en-suite uni halls but with 24-7 youth workers. After 3 and a half years there, I got thrown out for self harming (I wreaked 3 carpets and nearly died on 2 occasions). Again, understandable. So then I spent a year homeless in a hostel – which was pure hell and my harming was out of control. I was finally offered this flat in 2004 and although it was 2nd floor, I took it just to get out of the hostel. I never thought I’d end up leaving here but I was never really settled. I hated this flat because the previous occupant died in my bedroom and I felt some kind of atmosphere. I had a priest come and bless the flat but it took me over 6 months to actually sleep in my bed, I slept on a futon in the lounge! But although the flat is still decorated with ‘old lady chic’ (ie pink flowers and lace net curtains), I have made it into something I can just about live with. That was until I broke my ankle. Now, I cannot manage the stairs easily and I cannot manage to take out rubbish or get shopping up the stairs. It is such a struggle to go out, I often don’t bother. That is my main reason for moving. There are other reasons like a fresh start, getting away from A (the bloke from downstairs that I am having an ‘unhealthy’ relationship with – we just sleep together out of loneliness and at the unit they thought it was not a helpful thing to be doing, I am torn as I still like seeing him but it is not a normal thing to be doing really), and I can re-decorate the new place so I like it.

I have been offered this flat by the housing association. It is right on a motorway and has lots of other mental health patients in it (a few I recognise from acute psych inpatients). But it is ground floor and is a blank canvas in terms of decorating. I get all new flooring and money toward decorating etc but I have to move in 2 weeks. It feels such a good opportunity and such an overwhelming hassle all at once and I am scared. I do not know if I can cope with such a challenge – borderlines do not do change very well and I have to change housing support worker at the same time. My parents and the unit both agree it would be the right thing to do. But I am not happy. I am frustrated that is not my choice. I do not have a mortgage or any say in what I want and where I want, it is all council rules and decisions. If I do move, then will I lose A? Do I want to lose A? Will it be a case of ‘same shit, different place?’ Borderlines are known for ‘doing a geographical’ – moving physically to fix the internal, psychological chaos. It is easy to think right; I will not self harm there. I will be good and make a fresh start. But that didn’t work here and I very much doubt it will work anywhere. I feel forced into this and that is never a good situation for a borderline, control is very important and when I am forced into things, I tend to go off the rails and kick at anybody who represents that – like this new housing worker who I haven’t met but already hate!

Add to that the general state of things: just coming out of the unit, the fact I have broken the washing machine, I am still not speaking to my psychiatrist and I am mounting a campaign to have a planned admission to acute psych for Christmas as my family are being impossible, whilst all around me everyone thinks I am fine and ‘much better’ than I was before I went to London, and are expecting me to handle everything far better than I actually can; and you have a very miserable and unhappy Sian. That is why I cannot sleep and I feel like self harming SO much.

Yes, I have fantastic support and I am grateful. I have a great flat to move to – if I don’t take it then I could be waiting years for another one. I am lucky this has come up now and the timing is almost an good omen in itself. 2 weeks is enough time to sort everything out, I even have the keys and can get it cleaned and decorated before I move.

But I just wish I was dead. I don’t want any of this, this so-called life that has nothing in it that I want. I want a different body that works. I want a job and a career so I can earn my money, choose more about my life and stop scrounging of the state for everything. I want a real relationship with someone I respect and care deeply for. None of these are unrealistic expectations yet they are for me. And nothing I can have, that I can do, will never be enough. I feel like there is little point moving or trying when I know that the best I can ever be will be no where near what I will accept and be content with.

I hate feeling like this.